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2003 ArchiveAll news item links open into a new window. Some links maybe dead by now. Click here to go back to the Manked News of this year. Click here to go to the Manked News of 2002.
Click here to go to the Manked News of 2004.
20th December 2003 A postman is complaining that a postbox was too full and he pulled a muscle trying to lift his sack. Now he wants to sue the guy that filled the postbox up with 200 letters.
Shiola.com's official response to this insanity is - sack the postman, counter sue him for wasting time, send him to prison because he can't possibly afford the 'example-setting' fine, and whilst in prison he has to sew postbags and then manually transport them up and down stairs to the pick-up van. We also recommend that his wife divorces this loser and shacks up with a muscle-bound lifeguard, purely for the sex.
18th December 2003
Looks like the Aussies want to attract even more wankers to their shores by offering free holidays to sperm donors. What's wrong with the Aussie men? Maybe a diet of crap beer and BBQ's aren't good for the 'little guys'.
6th December 2003 Fucking ridiculous story all round. Firstly, this woman runs the MacDonalds manager over because she didn't get mayonnaise put in her cheeseburger. Secondly, she wanted mayonnaise in her cheeseburger.
Thirdly, this womans name is Waynetta.
3rd December 2003
We first brought you this story last year on December 14th (via The Sun), the case has now come to trial. The funny thing is that the accused, Mr Meiwes, has a photo on this page with the caption 'Mr Meiwes appeared relaxed before the opening of his trial'. Relaxed?! He looks ecstatic with himself and pleased to be telling a court every little detail of his bizarre eating habits a year ago. The article then goes on about how he felt ignored by his father...blah...blah...yeah, yeah...usual pyscho banter...wanted a younger brother...etc...etc...
1st December 2003
The guy had no money but leaves a boy as deposit - however, he never comes back. The petrol station owner brings the kid up as his son. A good news story from the oil industry at last.
24th November 2003
What the title doesn't mention is that the guy was driving a car at the time with his trousers around his ankles...the wrong way down a one-way street!!
22nd November 2003
The title basically says it all.
19th November 2003
This German guy is fucking manked...plain and simple. Firstly, how do you spend 10 000 Euro's on porn??!!! Secondly, how do you expect to get away with it whilst being at work??!!! You're a friggin lazy wanker mate, accept it and get on with life.
16th October 2003
OK, the article isn't that interesting unless you're an SEO geek, but check out the first bit. Someone used Google to find out if a guy was having a heart attack and what they should do. If I'm ever in serious medical trouble and someone says "Hang on, I'll do a search on the internet and find out what to do", I'd go friggin mental. What's wrong with ringing for an ambulance?
9th October 2003
Whilst everyone else in the world is complaining about slipping standards and facilities in schools, the parents at an 'advanced' school with a complete wireless network want to sue. They believe the 'rays' are affecting the kids - they don't have proof, and the radio waves are 1/13th the power of mobile phones, but that won't stop them. The only thing that will be affecting those kids at that school are the parents themselves - twats.
8th October 2003
Fucking McDonalds. They reckon job snobbery is rife in the UK because the service industry is supposedly looked down on. What they fail to realise is that working in a nice restuarant, bar, pub or whatever is not looked down on - working in McDonalds is. Why? Cause it's fucking shit. OK, I indulge in the odd Big Mac but would I want to work there? No way. I can just see the whole marketing plan behind this charade - 'All our staff are spotty, greasy students who are just waiting to find a better job, what can we do to save recruitment costs? O'yeah, say everyone else has a problem with the whole service industry.' They produced some sort of shit Flash questionnaire - I've just done it. It's shit, don't bother. Whatever options you choose it says 'You should work for McDonalds it's wicked'.
7th October 2003
One of the best titles for a news item in about 30 years, plus the actual story ain't bad either. Apparently 400 Japanese businessmen celebrated the 72nd anniversary of Japan's invasion of China by having an orgy with 500 Chinese prostitutes. I tell you, that beats the shit out of VE Day. You gotta love the Japs.
6th October 2003
This guy was keeping a Siberian Tiger in his New York flat, plus he had an alligator. He said the usual shit nutters say like 'I really love my cat' and 'My cat will miss me because I was looking after it' - Yeah!, a New York flat is the perfect environment for a large, wild animal from friggin Siberia!
2nd October 2003
A Goth band who are obviously fucking shit and can't strum three fucking chords together without it sounding like out-of-date dogshit - want to help a terminally ill man commit suicide during a concert. This would obviously be the highlight of the show. I don't know what the problem is, as long as the terminally ill man is a fan of good music, he'll probably keel over and be pushing up daisies long before the opening song has finished.
10th September 2003 Two teenage boys started shooting people and said they were inspired by Grand Theft Auto. Now they're banged up. Shame they didn't play Lemmings and jump off a bloody cliff. The truly manked bit is that the family of the man the two pinheads shot, is going to sue the maker of the game!
I'm going to dress someone up constantly so they can't eat and can barely breathe, then when they die I'm going to blame it on Barbie Dolls, then the family of the dead person I 'dressed to kill' can sue Barbie - whilst I sit on the sidelines and sell the movie rights.
10th September 2003
This guy was looking for a cheap way of getting to his parents house - he made it, but the dickhead then got out before the delivery man had left. The delivery man then grassed him up to The Fuzz. The delivery man was a dickhead as well actually, thinking about it. McKinley, the guy in the box said 'he was frightened during his trip, and he recommended against traveling cargo class'. No shit.
8th September 2003
I wonder why Church Choir Masters have insisted that boys can sing better than girls over the last 500 years? ...ummm...I wonder why...this is difficult...errr...maybe because they prefer touching little boys bottoms than girls bottoms?
29th July 2003
Saw this on Newsnight (BBC2) last night. Gavin Estler could hardly believe what he was saying, which was quite funny. Apparently, The Pentagon wanted to set up a stock market that traded in future political events - most notably terrorist attacks and assassination attempts. The idea was that the financial people would be better equipt to predict these events than the CIA, FBI, MI5, etc because of their skills in the 'normal' world of stocks and shares. Apart from the obvious moral and ethical problems of such a scheme, it would give the terrorists the opportunity to actually make a profit from terrorist acts by taking part in some insider dealings. Why don't the intelligence agencies just invite some top finance people in for some tips and advice about predicting future world events, or is that too easy?
24th July 2003
The Zeus bug has got the easy life. Some may take this as validation of their own male chauvinistic tendancies, but all things balance out. Look at the female Praying Mantis, plus there's a species of field mouse that when the male gets in season he mates as many females as he can before he dies of exhaustion (he doesn't stop to eat or sleep). OK, I'm sure that's how most of us males would love to go but there ain't much longevity there. I think it's best to go Dutch when dining out in 'Chez Evolution'.
22nd July 2003
The fact that a team of doctors from Vienna successfully transplanted a man's tongue is not manked. It's a great acheivement - until the sex industry get their hands on the technology. I'm telling you now about a prophecy which I envisioned whilst reading this article - 'Tongue Extension Transplants'. Forget penis extensions, what do women really want? 12 inches of Alsation tongue with the forking tip of a Cobra snake, combined with the accuracy of a Chameleon's tongue. The added beauty is apparently tongue's that have just been transplanted have no sense of taste - so the transplantee could indulge in some anal tongue work as well!
4th July 2003 Fucking bloggers! You know those geeks that learn Klingon, think 80's heavy metal is actually tough, use the Red Dwarf shit catchphrase of 'Smeg', wear leather jackets (usually down to the knees), etc - 90% of bloggers are those sort of people. OK, some bloggers write really well, some have good ideas, and a very small amount are interesting, but this article has some bloggers talking about blogging heavily influencing politics and taking over journalism. In your dreams geek boys! You'll sell out to a media company so you can leave your programming job, then when you become even more popular you'll censor your blog because you'll have extra responsibility and influence. You think you can enter the arenas of Politics and Journalism without the existing constraints that existing politicians and journalists experience?
I smegging hope not.
18th June 2003
Check out this geezer! This US Senator wants companies to develop software that can damage or destroy a computer if you download pirated music or software. The really scary part of this story is the bloke doesn't look real. Have a butchers at his photo - he's friggin grey!
23rd May 2003
Another example of a self-indulgent and self-obsessed pinhead that can't handle rejection. Whatever his problem is, of which there are many, this dick now has a lifetime in prison to get over himself and realise that he's even more worthless than the rest of us. Don't these fucking idiots think things through?!! Now you'll never get your girlfriend back, as she's dead, and the only 'love' you'll be feeling for the foreseeable future is from 'Slasher Dave' and 'The Sisters'. Give him a 'dry run' from Shiola.com Slasher!
22nd May 2003
If the world's going to end soon why the fuck do these Cults have to poison people and commit terrorist attacks? Go and take your fucking cults to a deserted area in Northern Siberia and leave the rest of us sane people alone! Twats.
25th April 2003
Yeah? Really mate? That's what you honestly believed? Whatever floats your boat mate.
19th April 2003
Doesn't sound too bad at first does it? But these officers of the law were suspended for farting in a woman's face when they thought she was unconscious because of attempted suicide! They need to re-train the officers in Fullerton a bit more thoroughly in resuscitation techniques.
3rd April 2003
A couple of fathers who are having a laugh at their kids expense. One 20 years ago, the other just recently. Thank God for Deed Poll.
3rd April 2003
Stitching your mates up does have its limits, but surely this Doctor is taking it too far. Have a sense of humour mate!
25th February 2003
Not a manked story in itself, obviously top marks goes to the fellow for making 113 years of age. Just remember that when we get all these super gene implants and stuff in the future, remember this guy and others like him. It's his DNA you want, not Michael Jordan's or Zinedine Zidane. His great-granddaughter said "He smoked cigars, drank beer and ate greasy food. He was an amazing man". That's the easy life.
4th February 2003
Another fuck up from The States. Another fucking loser who needs some attention and can only think of suicide as the answer. Apparently some online chatters were winding him up to take more pills and stuff - so he did. His last words were 'I told u I was hardcore', no mate just fucking stupid. Now the stupid guy's family wants to sue or charge the chatters that were telling him to eat more medication! Take some fucking responsibility!!! I was going to tell him to take a long walk on a short pier in a couple of weeks anyway.
31st January 2003
Who says porn sites don't care?!! This site is proving free porno videos to male and female US troops fighting the war on Terrorism. The soldiers just have to pay for the postage. I'm sure the sorting offices of Afghanistan and Iraq will need extra personnel to cope with demand. Maybe that's why George Bush is so eager for UN support - he needs British, German and other troops to deliver all the grot to the yanks! This war is serious to the porn industry as Iraq provides 87% of the world's Lubricating Oil.
15th January 2003
You've trained your rooster to fight without fear and have strapped some metal spikes to his legs. He wouldn't turn on his master would he? O'yes he would. Respect the cock!
5th January 2003
You're a single mother with 3 children under 8yrs, you get run over and have to spend some time in hospital. Surely you can rely on a friend to look after them?
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