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2002 ArchiveAll news item links open into a new window. Some links maybe dead by now. Click here to go back to the Manked News of this year. Click here to go to the Manked News of 2003.
Click here to go to the Manked News of 2004.
14th December 2002
A couple of absolute mankoids here, and make no mistake. One guy wants to kill and eat someone, fair enough. But there's another guy who wants to BE killed AND eaten! The cannabalistic nutter is now after more meals of the human kind. If you'd like to place yourself on the menu then just get in contact, along with a recipe of how you are best served.
10th December 2002
Hardcore, in your face, no holds barred religion for the kids. Worship false idols and reindeer will burst into flames!! Mr Rayfield (the vicar) said Santa Claus defies science - yeah, and God doesn't!
28th November 2002
'Titch The Bitch' and his team of manked researchers consistantly find the mankedness out there in the world, it's not hard, it's everywhere. Check out this one today, some Spanish MP's have been caught on too many left handed websites than is deemed necessary for an MP, and have been disgraced. The disgrace is that they got caught on some softcore stuff and not the really fucking sick shit that all MP's love. The Spanish government will be reviewing the sites and having a mass debate over it. (Get in there!).
22nd November 2002
The manked part of this article takes the form of Kim Kyung-jae who died after playing computer games non-stop for 86 hours!! He took a short break to buy cigarettes and have a piss but that was it. Now he's dead. No continue or bonus life for this monkeyboy.
20th November 2002
When your mum said 'Stop showing off infront of your mates.', this is what she was protecting you against. Dumbass.
12th November 2002 What's things coming to when the captain of the England football team, and one of the best players in the world, has to buy bullet proof vests so he can walk the streets safely? Is it the fault of the press? Does Becks bring it on himself? Is it our 'civilised' society? Or do the absolute fucking mankoids who do this sort of shit genuinely believe they are helping the advancement of mankind?
Shiola.com would like to see the offenders hung by their wrists from a crossbar whilst David practises his free kicks with special balls that spontaneously inflame as soon as they are kicked and then explode as soon as they hit something.
18th October 2002
Any old boys out there thinking that having a younger woman is a fantasy come true, then think again. This old guy (65) wasn't as virile as he used to be and actually refused to have sex with his wife, 20 years his junior. Kelli Pratt's labido wasn't having any of this and she started to bite the hand that fed her...and the arms, stomach, body, etc. Poor old Arthur was then heard screaming down the phone asking for an ambulance, police dogs, etc whilst his loving wife was biting him. He later died in hospital and she's on charges of elder abuse, domestic violence and assault on a police officer. Fucked!
14th October 2002
Not a long story. Couple of manked Peruvian politicians sorting things out Dick Turpin Style.
2nd October 2002
A guy has got headlice - pours alcohol on it - lights it with a ciggie. What the fuck was this geezer expecting other than serious burns?!
23rd September 2002
Some mug actually went and fell for this ridiculous scam. I'm sure you've received the email about funds in an African country that can only be used if outside help is utilised, meaning they want your bank account number. This woman was waiting for her commission cheque to come through, but it never did. The warrant for her arrest came through with no problems though.
23rd September 2002
Two guys, on two seperate occassions, were caught taking photos with minature cameras up womens skirts. The two guys got off because the law wasn't well equipt enough to put them away. Something to do with being in a public place so you can't expect privacy like you can at home. Read the article for more, and even though this seems a little cheeky on the face of it, it actually has rather manked undertones.
18th September 2002
An Italian funeral parlour in Rome has started advertising its coffins by using sexy young models to lean and crouch over them, as though they were cars. These girls are drapping themselves over these wooden coffins in nothing but G-strings and leopard print clothing. Enough to give any old codger close to the edge the final push he needed.
5th September 2002
Some guy got caught having sex with a road cone. Luckily, each of these featured news items don't have to be more manked than the last, because nothing gets more manked than this.
28th August 2002
A couple of fucking blatant manked candidates here. Both stories involve men (surely I'm not in the same catergory as these mankoids?) who get their rocks off by shagging either a herd of cows, or a frozen chicken. Read on for some beastiality stories that you will leave you feeling very sane and normal in comparison...at least, I hope so.
28th August 2002 A basic case of staff having to regulate their bathroom habits at work. Obviously it's making the workplace more into a prison and I wouldn't like to be in that situation, but it's remarkable that some people have to piss more frequently than once every hour! Some staff members have admitted to pissing their own pants because they were scared of getting a warning if they went to the toilet without permission. Again, I'm confused at who is the manked party in this little escapade - the employers or the staff that piss themselves?! Some staff have even got doctor's notes telling their employer that they HAVE to piss more than the alotted 2 hour breaks.
NB. Please appreciate that Shiola.com has refused to sink to the level of allowing 'take the piss' puns in this brief synopsis.
23rd August 2002
This guy has just robbed somewhere and is legging it from the police, in Oklahoma. He comes across the Arkansas River and decides to make his getaway by swimming across it. He gives it a go but doesn't let go of the loot, which is weighing him down. He starts shouting, and the police rush in after him to save him, but they're too late. The robber dies because he's too greedy and stupid, but at least he got a mention on Shiola.com! His mum would be so proud.
23rd August 2002 The tenant had two cats which were apparently devaluing the house, so the landlord told to get rid of them or he'd do it for her. She didn't get rid of them, so he did it for her...by shooting them both with a 12-gauge shotgun. They went to court and basically, he got away with it. Technically he didn't kill them inhumanely because he'd usd a gun (a method accepted by farmers) and it was a quick death. April Ritch, the tenant and owner of the cats, said...
Apparently not. I don't know what's more manked though, the guy shooting both the cats, or the fact that the tenant took the cat's remains to court, in a box?!
13th August 2002
A new computer game is being marketed by getting a few people to completely change their lives, change their names and live for a year as a dinosaur hunter called 'Turok'. If you apply you will have to legally change your name to Turok. The crazy part is that you have to do this for a year but you only get paid £500 ($800)!! What's the point in only doing it for that amount of money? You're not actually going to catch any dinosaurs. After the year is up the company concerned will also organise for your name to change back...if you don't want to be called Turok for the rest of your life.
8th August 2002
Amazing stuff from scientists 40 years ago. LSD had just come on the scene and these two scientists in Oklahoma decided to test this drug...on an elephant. They gave it the biggest dose known, 297mg (enough to get over 3000 people fucked), and then sat back and waited to see what happened. Nothing much happened. The elephant ('Tusko', 14-year-old male) began to sway, fell over and shat himself. He was declared dead an hour and a half later. The good old days of science.
2nd August 2002
The scum buckets that are trying to run the music industry into the ground have come up with a new 'super' plan - 'The Pop Idol World Cup'. Apparently pop music giants such as Poland and South Africa have stars that will enter this global competition to find the 'best' singer in the world, ever! Not that I'm saying the UK, Ireland, Australia or America will produce anything better, but I smell a global 'Eurovision Song Contest' on the horizon. If you do not come from Europe then you may not know what the 'Eurovision Song Contest' is, you are one of the lucky people. Let us Europeans assure you - you do NOT want a 'Globalvision Singer Contest'.
26th July 2002
You know when you see a couple arguing down the shops or in town, it's fun isn't it? Now imagine a couple splitting up because the guy (Brian) slept around on a holiday to Greece and caught Hepatitis. Now imagine that the same guy has also been caught sleeping with 'Emma' from the local Boots store. Then imagine it's all being posted on a Watford message board for the whole world to see! Imagine no longer, click here.
26th July 2002
This guy is manked, no question. Jonathan Griffiths is a businessman who thought that someone had been skanking him so he decided to sent him a letter bomb - like you do. Unfortunately, Jonathan is a businessman and not a bomb expert. He was putting some contraption together when the thing exploded and blew both his hands off his wrists and also did some major damage to his family jewels - luckily he already had three kids. Jonathan is Welsh.
22nd July 2002
You got to hand it to this fellow, he's got balls the size of Seoul. He sends out a whole load of emails to all these company executives telling them that he has video evidence of them commiting adultery, in return for keeping his mouth shut he asks for money. Cho has obviously read too much into Stitch Your Mates Up.
20th July 2002 Due to the economic crisis in Argentina, old age pensioners are turning to prostitution in order to earn a few pence.
Those poor Argentinian boys, not only are they skint and they lost to England 1-0 (therefore being eliminated early, come on!), but they're having to resort to getting some 'mature loving' from the local knitting circle.
19th July 2002
Someone is making a TV show for cats. Not about cats, or for humans, but a show FOR cats. Apparently, 22% of Americans watch TV shows that THEY KNOW their pets enjoy - how do you work that out? How do you know your pet enjoy's it? This channel probably won't be the worst one out there though.
9th July 2002
Hava Rexha is not the subject of mankedness here - how could anyone say that a 120 year old woman was manked?! But next time YOU are feeling a little like your life is manked then check out what this old dear has been through. Even if you're not feeling manked, check it out anyway. You know when someone says that there's always someone worse off in the world, what the hell do you say to this woman who has been through virtually everything that is possible to go through? O'yeah, she still smokes as well, so that should please some people.
4th July 2002
So there I am, just aimlessly surfing around the internet - see a t-shirt site - check it out - see a link that says 'T-Shirt Jokes' - think, 'I wonder what a t-shirt joke is like - examine them - examine them again - a ghostly chill sweeps over me - decide they are the worst jokes on the internet.
29th June 2002
Apparently a guy was waiting at a bus stop in Nakorn Ratchasima, in Thailand, and these two women came up to him and asked if he wanted to go back to a room. Without further ado he goes back and they take off their tops, he begins his love ritual by sucking on their mammaries - next thing, 'The women tried to get me aroused and asked me to suck their breasts. After I did so I don't know what happened to me but I woke up and found that I had lost everything'. Gutted mate.
27th June 2002
Not a news item but manked nonetheless. All you budding songwriters can now get down to some serious songwriting and try to compose that elusive balled about Chihuahuas that is currently missing from the world. It must be under 4 mintues long and be '...up-beat, uptempo songs about dogs. Songs must be of a light pop , country, or folk genre.' This is going to be hard even for the likes of Bob Dillon, Noel Gallagher and Britney because the only word/phrase that I can think of that rhymes with 'chihuahua' is 'David Gower'. Can't wait to hear the winner.
19th June 2002
Basically this Korean guy Ahn Jung-hwan scored the winning goal for Korea against Italy, thus knocking them out of the World Cup. Ahn plays in Italy for Perugia and now the Perugia manager and chairman are saying that he is not welcome back and they're going to get rid of him because he knocked Italy out! Ahn is now a celebrated star in Korea and at Shiola.com. Face it Italy, you're a spent football force that now plays boring football with a bunch of poxy divers who bitch at everything. Get a life and do something that you're good at - like not football.
19th June 2002
These two Romanians are chatting each other up online and getting a bit fruity, they then decide to meet. She told him that she was about 8 stone, slim, blonde, etc - he believed her then is surprised when she's an 18 stoner and states 'He has obviously not heard the saying that beauty is on the inside'. When you hear a bird say that it is obvious that the guy is going to sprint in the opposite direction. He calls her a hippo, and now they are going to sue each other. Maybe this will teach them both a lesson and encourage them to get out more and get a life.
30th May 2002
Stuart Allen, 64, from Dumfries in Scotland killed a woman and then went to great efforts to hide the body in a place no-one would ever find it, far away from the guilty party - in the boot of his car!! This is no criminal mind we're dealing with here, rather a manked man in a manked world. Apparently the car absolutely reeked of death and a policeman had to drive it to the station with his head sticking out of the window, not surprising when you think the victim was stuck in the boot for 10 months! On eworrying thing is that the cause of death could have been caused '...from pressure on a nerve in the neck which can cause instant death'. Does this mean you can touch anyone on this nerve in the neck and they die instantly? Could someone accidently kill someone by simply putting their arm around someone's neck in a friendly gesture? Now I'm going to be permanently wearing a neck brace.
15th May 2002
This competition was held over 5 events to try and find Thailands strongest He/She. This article mentions that the competitors were not all beautiful - no shit Sherlock. Although think about it, a lady/boy of this stature - tits, fanny (sort of), give you a good arm wrestle, open tight jars and bottles, bring in the shopping and jack you off without getting tired. With all that going for them you could do worse.
3rd May 2002 Yes, it's true. The good people of Hartlepool have elected the local football team's mascot, 'H'Angus', as their mayor. Not surprising when you consider that back in the days of Napoleon the people of Hartlepool once again excelled themselves by hanging a monkey because they thought it was a French spy!
H'Angus' first job as mayor is to back up his pre-election manifesto, the main element being 'free bananas for schoolchildren'. Shiola.com salute you sir, you're manked but in a good way. Good luck.
1st May 2002 The title says it all really doesn't it, what more can Shiola.com add to this? OK, here's a quote that sums it up
29th April 2002 The title above doesn't really make sense does it? Click on the link and you'll understand where the title comes from, but not why. If you're still wondering what 'Manked' means then visit the BBC site for this news item for a total explanation by this womans actions.
This guy gets run over and smashes into this girls windscreen, breaking his legs and being in a whole world of trouble. What does this nurses assistant then do? Obviously she locks him in her garage until he bleeds to death, then gets some mates to help her put him in another car and dump it. Yeah, I didn't believe it either.
22nd April 2002 This bloke right, he bite's off part of the ear of a kids football team's manager. He does this during the game whilst all these kids, including his son, is watching him as he bites off this geezers ear and then spits it on the floor, then he legs it! Nice one mate.
Now he's banged up for 3 years. Well done. I don't know whether he's nuts or a danger? He's now going to get plenty of 'offside' decisions from 'The Sisters' and all because his son was shit at football. You're manked.
15th April 2002 Yet again people high up in religious circles are getting caught with their pants down, or at least with one of their altar boys pants down. How can someone read a book and preach one thing, and then when everyone has gone and he's asked the choir to stay behind for practise, he's asking them to do something completely different. I'm sure they can find a paragraph somewhere in The Bible that defends them, but there's a paragraph in The Bible for everything isn't there?
Then what makes this whole thing enter the world of Mankedness is the fact that The Law is not coming down on them as hard as if it was someone else. Just because they're 'men of the cloth' doesn't mean they can be 'the hand of God' and touch boys in their 'pulpit'. How do they get away with it? Well, their bosses (the Archbishops, etc) cover the stories up so they don't get out! I'm glad they are spending their days doing charitable work and helping the sick and needy rather than covering up perverted old men's sexual desperations. There's good religious pillars of the commmunity who do good work, but there are more Reverand's 'Touch this, it'll bring you closer to God' than the church will let on.
8th April 2002 Basically the score is this, this lesbian couple are deaf and they want their baby to be deaf so, according to them, they can bring up the baby better as they'll understand what it's like to be deaf. They got a deaf bloke with a family history of deafness to sire the child. Apparently the baby can hear a little bit but Mum and Mum have refused the use of a hearing aid, stating that '...they would leave the choice to the boy when he gets older.'.
If you ask me, this is manked. What's the point of choosing to give your child a disability? Obviously these womens own parents 'chose' for them to be stupid, but why pass on a disability just so there is 'understanding'. Will the kid be understanding when he learns that he could have been born with hearing but his Mum's said 'No, fuck it, we ain't got it so how can we bring you up when you can hear and we can't?'. Sorry ladies, but it doesn't take a professor in Ethics to pronounce you 'Manked'.
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