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Welcome to September 2002 funny horoscopes. Whether they are funny Horoscopes or not remains to be seen but who cares, there's as much truth in these as there are in other horoscope you care to mention.

Click here for horoscope related links.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

Now is time for a change, you know that, it's what you want and there is no fear, you're not afraid. The trouble is that you need just that little bit of luck that will allow a change to actually happen and then you are well on your way. Just that one accident that will change your life, that spark that will inflame a new passion and lead you onto a better life. You've been waiting for this luck for a while now haven't you? Always relying on something, or someone, else to change your life. Take responsibility and stop moaning about it, Jesus! you people make me fucking sick.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

The stars of the Orion galaxy have no influence on your star sign at all, this is only comparable with the influence you have on your friends lives. When was the last time they all rang you? Invited you out? Asked if you were OK? Now be a good little Taurus and stop dragging them down with your mundane life and let them blossom like the beautiful flowers they really are.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Gemini's are very trusting folk, gentle, caring and very eager to make everyone feel at home. This does manage to backfire most of the time though. That money you lent your mate - you ain't ever seeing that again. Your faithful partner - yeah, right, check their pockets tonight. Your encouraging boss - check their drawers before work tomorrow. People take advantage of you. It isn't fair, but maybe you can make it fair if you do the same back to them. Actually, take advantage of other Gemini's. You know what they are like and what they'll fall for. It's not being a traitor, it's utilising your insider knowledge. Analyse the next person that makes conversation with you.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

There are no stars or planets in your sign this month, an omen of things to come. The light that you still see at the end of the tunnel hasn't gotten any closer since the day you were born. The darkness around you threatens any inner peace that may come to stay. All paths leading away seem to be worse, occassionally you veer off, but not this month. Stay where you are and don't look up. Welcome to the best month of your life.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

This month you'll receive a secret message. I cannot reveal what medium this message will be in as I don't know, I'm making this shit up, but when it does come be aware and listen. The message might be within this message, or within the message within this message. If you're lost, you've missed the message and this month is now officially shit. People will talk to you, but you should read between the lines, don't take what they say as black and white, they mean something else. Start listening to records backwards but don't kill yourself, there's no need as next month is better. The message will help you prepare for next month.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

The issue this month is 'trust'. The fact that Mars has entered Neptune's horizon and stolen two of its moons doesn't help the fact that this month you are going to be mentally abused, not by strangers but by your friends. The funny thing about trust is the fact that you cannot even trust yourself. This month sees you stealing from yourself, denying you stole it, arguing with yourself to retrieve the stolen item and then getting revenge on your untrustworthy side by stealing something back. Don't trust anyone this month, especially not yourself.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

May see's Mars come into conjunction with Tatooine, whilst Neptune overshadows Cardassia. This shows that whilst the month of May will be a fortuitous one for you, it is also a pack of lies as Tatooine and Cardassia are fictional planets in Star Wars and Star Trek. This sort of let down will become more commonplace as the month moves along, culminating with a revelation from your loved ones. Apparently they have been whispering behind your back about an embarrassing secret of yours. Oooohhh!!

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

Paranoia is the work of the Devil isn't it. I mean, imagine worrying about what other people think about you, or say, when you're relatively normal. People get obssessed over it. Everyone was saying at the bar last night that you're one of them, but I couldn't believe it. You don't seem the sort of person who would worry about that sort of thing, but here was everyone in the bar talking about it, even the manager got the microphone out and started taking votes and chairing a discussion. I stood by you especially when they mentioned that incident at that conference last year, I mean it could happen to anyone. Don't worry though, Venus is rising with Pluto next month and all eyes are on Uranus (snigger, snigger - it's not THAT big, honestly. Don't listen to Dave).

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

This month brings with it the opportunity of speaking without thinking. Don't do any thinking this month as it's not written in the stars. Half of you probably do not think anyway, so you're already 'living the dream'. There are many added benefits this month due to lack of thinking - I can't think of any at the moment as I am a Sagittarius and have therefore refused to think this month.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Death comes to us all, you can't escape it so don't even bother trying. You have to think about it once in a while so you might as well get it over and done with this month. Think about death, or more importantly, your own death all this month then you don't have to for quite a while. Think about death without Heaven, Nirvana, Paradise, etc - as it's much more depressing, especially as it's much more likely.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

All the stars in the sky this month remind you how complicated life can get. If all the stars where a giant dot-to-dot puzzle it would take you years to complete it, obviously you're life isn't that complicated, but more complications will come into your life this month to complicate it even further. The day brings a clear sky with no stars and this serves to remind you that you should ignore your complications, or unload them onto other people - if everyone did that the world would be free of complications. Ignorance helps the world, in the long run.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

You've got the urge to splash out on something luxurious and expensive but you're wary. On the one hand you want to live for today because you could get run over tomorrow, but then again, you could a long healthy life and you do need to plan. The answer? Buy a tombstone. It's a luxurious item that'll cost a lot and if you do get run over tomorrow then that's one less thing your parents/wife/husband/friends/warden have to worry about. If you have a long healthy life it doesn't matter, you'll always need a tombstone and there's no such thing as 'Tombstone Fashion' or, 'That gravestone is so last year Dave'. Buy one this month and then get really drunk so you can compose your epitaph.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.