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Welcome to October 2002 funny horoscopes. Whether they are funny Horoscopes or not remains to be seen but who cares, there's as much truth in these as there are in other horoscope you care to mention.

Click here for horoscope related links.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

Now is time for a change, you know that, it's what you want and there is no fear, you're not afraid. The trouble is that you need just that little bit of luck that will allow a change to actually happen and then you are well on your way. Just that one accident that will change your life, that spark that will inflame a new passion and lead you onto a better life. You've been waiting for this luck for a while now haven't you? Always relying on something, or someone, else to change your life. Take responsibility and stop moaning about it, Jesus! you people make me fucking sick.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

The stars of the Orion galaxy have no influence on your star sign at all, this is only comparable with the influence you have on your friends lives. When was the last time they all rang you? Invited you out? Asked if you were OK? Now be a good little Taurus and stop dragging them down with your mundane life and let them blossom like the beautiful flowers they really are.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Gemini's are very trusting folk, gentle, caring and very eager to make everyone feel at home. This does manage to backfire most of the time though. That money you lent your mate - you ain't ever seeing that again. Your faithful partner - yeah, right, check their pockets tonight. Your encouraging boss - check their drawers before work tomorrow. People take advantage of you. It isn't fair, but maybe you can make it fair if you do the same back to them. Actually, take advantage of other Gemini's. You know what they are like and what they'll fall for. It's not being a traitor, it's utilising your insider knowledge. Analyse the next person that makes conversation with you.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

There are no stars or planets in your sign this month, an omen of things to come. The light that you still see at the end of the tunnel hasn't gotten any closer since the day you were born. The darkness around you threatens any inner peace that may come to stay. All paths leading away seem to be worse, occassionally you veer off, but not this month. Stay where you are and don't look up. Welcome to the best month of your life.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

This month you'll receive a secret message. I cannot reveal what medium this message will be in as I don't know, I'm making this shit up, but when it does come be aware and listen. The message might be within this message, or within the message within this message. If you're lost, you've missed the message and this month is now officially shit. People will talk to you, but you should read between the lines, don't take what they say as black and white, they mean something else. Start listening to records backwards but don't kill yourself, there's no need as next month is better. The message will help you prepare for next month.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

This is a strange month for you as the influence of Mars is unsurpassed this month. You turn a shade of red, have a weird face on one side of your forehead, wrinkles appear all over your face that scientists believe used to contain water, the top of your head and the bottom of your feet turn to ice, a couple of film crews approach you to make a couple of dodgy movies and if only you had a little more air you'd feel full of life again. The Horrorscope experts here have worked out that things could be worse though, in 10 years and 3 months you will become Jupiter, which is a real bummer, as it's 90% gas. Book your holiday alone now.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

You find a real evil streak in yourself this month, which is unusual as you're quite passive in areas of evilness. Go with it, learn how to control it, but also learn how to awaken this unknown part of you when required. Having the power of evil at your service is a powerful friend which you can use on your friends whenever required. This month you will be given a weapon of extreme power, but with that comes the responsibility of responsibleness as it could destroy your life. Do you want power or friends? - that is this month's question.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

You've got the urge to splash out on something luxurious and expensive but you're wary. On the one hand you want to live for today because you could get run over tomorrow, but then again, you could have a long healthy life and you do need to plan. The answer? Buy a tombstone. It's a luxurious item that'll cost a lot and if you do get run over tomorrow then that's one less thing your parents/wife/husband/friends/warden have to worry about. If you have a long healthy life it doesn't matter, you'll always need a tombstone and there's no such thing as 'Tombstone Fashion' or, 'That gravestone is so last year Dave'. Buy one this month and then get really drunk so you can compose your epitaph.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Sagittarius is a centaur with a bow and arrow - and you take this form. This month is crap because instead of the normal 'split' between man and horse where a centaur has the good looks of an athletic human and is hung like a horse - you have the opposite. You have horse's breath to go with your horse's head, and the strain on your little legs is knackering. Plus, the number of 'Godfather' jokes you'll get this month because of your horse's head will really make you mad. 'Would you like your sandwich on White, Brown or 'Thoroughbred' sir?' said the cheeky waitress.

At least you're not a Capricorn, see below.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

My God, did you know Capricorn is top half Goat, bottom half fish. This month you take the form of Capricorn but I don't think it really matters which half is which, because they are both minging. Err, this is going to be a difficult month as the Gods have decided that Capricorn and Sagittarius will take the form of their star signs. The only thing left for you to do is have a go at your parents for not getting jiggy with Mr. Biggy earlier, like in January, as you could've been a Virgo and you know what that means? You could have been a young female virgin all month and just stared at yourself in the mirror all day and taken long and frequent baths.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

All the stars in the sky this month remind you how complicated life can get. If all the stars where a giant dot-to-dot puzzle it would take you years to complete it, obviously you're life isn't that complicated, but more complications will come into your life this month to complicate it even further. The day brings a clear sky with no stars and this serves to remind you that you should ignore your complications, or unload them onto other people - if everyone did that the world would be free of complications. Ignorance helps the world, in the long run.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

This month you'll receive a secret message. I cannot reveal what medium this message will be in as I don't know, I'm making this shit up, but when it does come be aware and listen. The message might be within this message, or within the message within this message. If you're lost, you've missed the message and this month is now officially shit. People will talk to you, but you should read between the lines, don't take what they say as black and white, they mean something else. Start listening to records backwards but don't kill yourself, there's no need as next month is better. The message will help you prepare for next month.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.