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  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

The 12th sees a deep secret being brought to the fore. The 13th sees deep regret over airing the aforementioned secret. The 14th sees errors in trying to fix any wounds. The 15th sees another secret being brought to the fore. Go on holiday on the 11th and avoid all this hassle - horrorscopes are different depending on what country you are in, we recommend Arian's go to Malta this month. Luck comes in different sizes, money has many flavours and love is...desperation.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Don't be blinded by science or big words this month. Many will try to deceive you and oversell items, services and methods. Just because someone has got an 'ology' doesn't mean they are intelligent, I mean look at 'Astrology', it's all made up. Stick to what you know and what you can prove. Try to prove that money can buy you love and have the best month of your life so far. Steer clear of wigs, obese people and back alleys.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Jupiter is still orbiting the Sun and having absolutely no influence on your life, obviously. Push people at work this month. The 23rd sees an opportunity to push your boss a little. Make sure they realise who you are, what you can do and how much they'd miss you if you weren't there. If there is no reaction then you're a loser and only at your job because you can't sack people for no reason these days, unfortunately. If there is a reaction and you're fired then you know not to push things too far next time around. Read a book this month as well. Squeeze someones bum as well.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

The fact that Astrology discriminates against other diseases is shocking. Invent a new Astrological system that uses diseases instead of star sign names, for example swap Gemini for Leprosey, or Pisces for Scabies, etc. How many people would believe in it then? If a Pisces comes up to you then do not only say 'You're a scabies' but also offer to read their scabies. Disease Reading is the future, I know because I saw it on my Eczema this morning. Love comes in the form of a skin care cream.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

This month you could feel like you're shitting a mountain. Either your digestive juices are not working or you're biting off more than you can chew. These inner workings signal a change in direction for your career. If you've been thinking of making a change then the 21st is a good day - not for changing career, it's just meant to be quite humid and sunny for this time of year, so make a day of it. Do not change your career this month as you haven't got the guts, wait until you're drunk, about to be fired or you've been dumped by your lover. Handing in your notice needs to be done with some passion behind it. Friends look to you on the 12th, and then look away again on the 19th.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Before you know it this month, you're going feel real popular. Seriously, your nights will become booked up, your phone will be constantly ringing and the doorbell will be pressed more times than your space bar. The problem is that you can't afford all this social activity and speaking to some of your lesser, half arsed mates can become a real bore. Rank your friends and allocate a budget that they are worth to manage this period of your life. For example, Gerald maybe ranked number 16 in the friend list and his budget allocation is £4.32. So when Gerald rings say 'Yes, it would be lovely to meet you for half an hour for a coffee and a sandwich'. If you don't have a friend called Gerald then you're not a real Virgo. Try to get Gerald to pay as well. Happiness is a cream cake.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

You've had a stressful month but this month will relax you. The 11th is a good day to try some physical exercise, at 4am in the morning. If you're single then plenty of masturbation is in order. If you have a partner then plenty of masturbation is still in order - don't pretend you're both still going for it twice-nightly! Eat more fruit and drink more water. Heed this warning as next month is a bitch. Don't spend any 20p pieces this month, save them all for February. If you don't use Sterling currency then you're out of luck. Beware of friends who call you really bad names to your face and tell you to get fucked.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

Any connections with foreigners this month should bring good luck, unless you're selling arms to Iraq. Learn a phrase or two in their language to impress them. If they speak the same language as you then incorporate some foreign phrases to try to impress/confuse them. Any misunderstandings should be assumed to have been made with the best of intentions. Milk this fact and screw those foreigners for every penny they have. Make up traditions and say they have offended King Arthur or The Queen and in order to carry on doing business with us you need to add 20%. If someone is coming over to the UK on business then take them on a traditional night out of beer, fights, shouting at birds, greasy kebab, crash in their hotel room and then throw up in their bathroom. Jupiter is still the largest planet this month.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Another horoscope site states that this month means good things are happening to Sagittarian's this month. Ambitions that have been held close will come to fruition. Now is the time to make up an ambition and fool the stars into thinking that they have been close to you for a while. Write things down on scraps of paper and leave them around the house, tell friends that your new ambition has actually been with you for years and make up false memories of your new ambition. These activities will trick the stars into fulfilling your ambition. Follow your lustful instincts this month - like you wouldn't anyway!

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

A pair of friends have some news for you this month which will be quite shocking. They tell you to keep it a secret, but you know what you have to do. Secrets are there to be vocalised. These horrorscopes also take into account Chinese Astrology, so we advise you add some Chinese Whispers to this secret and only tell other people this secret with some added spice. Dogs are surprisingly prominent this month (this won't surprise Battersea Dog's Home staff or Korean Chef's). Your lucky colour is black and your unlucky colour is white.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

This month we shall be reading Aquarians as though they lived on Neptune. This means that the stars are in different positions in the sky, plus Neptune is not another planet now, it's your home planet. The rise of Jupiter and Earth has a tremendous effect on your finances. Living on neptune is not cheap as there is oxygen, water and sunlight to consider. Love couldn't be any deader unless you like blue rocks. The only human contact you can expect is a satellite flying past 1000 miles above your head in 20 years time. Neptune is really no place for you at this stage of your life's development. Stay at home this month and watch lots of TV. Write down all your dreams this month and then use them as excuses for why you were late in for work next month.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

The stars are hazy this month, I see legal matters but I don't know if they are against you or not?! Our advice is to take the initiative and sue someone. Sexual harrasment seems the order of the day and a hot topic nowadays. Maybe sue a mate and let them in on it but say that it is only to deflect someone from sueing yourself. Hold back on any major payments this month as it's Christmas next month and your poor old mum/dad/auntie/wife deserves a little something extra. Friendship comes from the bottom of a whiskey bottle - that isn't a prediction either, that's plain fact.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.