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Welcome to May 2002 funny horoscopes. Whether they are funny Horoscopes or not remains to be seen but who cares, there's as much truth in these as there are in other horoscope you care to mention.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

The issue this month is 'trust'. The fact that Mars has entered Neptune's horizon and stolen two of its moons doesn't help the fact that this month you are going to be mentally abused, not by strangers but by your friends. The funny thing about trust is the fact that you cannot even trust yourself. This month sees you stealing from yourself, denying you stole it, arguing with yourself to retrieve the stolen item and then getting revenge on your untrustworthy side by stealing something back. Don't trust anyone this month, especially not yourself.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Thank God May is over, that stormy weather that has come this early in June is from all the Taurians breathing a heavy sigh of relief. That has to go on record as being one fucking shit month. The stars, planets and other things in space were all over the place, what a disgrace, couldn't even see your face, in case she had mace (eh?). June will see the coming of sunshine in the weather and into your life.

O'shit! It's May now innit? Forget the above, read another one...

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Here's a quote from the Croydon Guardian from 30th April (http://www.croydonguardian.co.uk/leisure/horoscopes/);

'The little things you say to your close ones are going to be of more importance than you may first think so try to put a little extra consideration into your words and actions please Gemini. Call now for news on love and romance. -- 0906 600 5003'

So basically you've got to think before you talk or do anything - where would we be without these Horoscope people?? (What are they called Psychics?, Horoscopics?, Charlatans?) I mean, who would have thought that it was possible to speak, without thinking, and say the wrong thing? Unfortunately there's no name here so I can't thank them for their precious insight, and I can't afford 60p per minute to ring up...O'well, fuck 'em.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

May see's Mars come into conjunction with Tatooine, whilst Neptune overshadows Cardassia. This shows that whilst the month of May will be a fortuitous one for you, it is also a pack of lies as Tatooine and Cardassia are fictional planets in Star Wars and Star Trek. This sort of let down will become more commonplace as the month moves along, culminating with a revelation from your loved ones. Apparently they have been whispering behind your back about an embarrassing secret of yours. Oooohhh!!

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

Unrealised dreams are the bain of our existance. We never played football for England, sang at Wembley, snogged Brad Pitt or even got a walk on part in EastEnders. Why? Probably because you didn't even really try, be honest now. Make the change today and express yourself with the dream you hold most dear and make at least one step to acheiving it. It's the trying that counts, although, your friends may take the piss out of you and laugh. You may not have acheived that dream because, well...actually...there's good reason...you're crap. You think half the music in the charts, TV programmes, films, art, etc is all crap nowadays? Well, thank God you never made it!

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Paranoia is the work of the Devil isn't it. I mean, imagine worrying about what other people think about you, or say, when you're relatively normal. People get obssessed over it. Everyone was saying at the bar last night that you're one of them, but I couldn't believe it. You don't seem the sort of person who would worry about that sort of thing, but here was everyone in the bar talking about it, even the manager got the microphone out and started taking votes and chairing a discussion. I stood by you especially when they mentioned that incident at that conference last year, I mean it could happen to anyone. Don't worry though, Venus is rising with Pluto next month and all eyes are on Uranus (snigger, snigger - it's not THAT big, honestly. Don't listen to Dave).

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

You may feel this month that nothing comes for free, not even friendly and helpful advice. Ring 0898 666 1234 (£2.50 per min) to find out more.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

This is a strange month for you as the influence of Mars is unsurpassed this month. You turn a shade of red, have a weird face on one side of your forehead, wrinkles appear all over your face that scientists believe used to contain water, the top of your head and the bottom of your feet turn to ice, a couple of film crews approach you to make a couple of dodgy movies and if only you had a little more air you'd feel full of life again. The Horrorscope experts here have worked out that things could be worse though, in 10 years and 3 months you will become Jupiter, which is a real bummer, as it's 90% gas. Book your holiday alone now.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

This month you have to read between the lines as metaphors come at you from every angle. The trouble is that you like everything to be black and white, you can't be arsed with all this working out. It could end up by you actually killing two birds with one stone, or purposefully going into a restaurant grabbing a few chefs and then chucking a whole pot of salt and slugs into the main course. People will appear to talk to you in tongues, it'll be like being in the Tower of Babel. Bloody annoying, I know, I'm a Sagittarian. So heed this advice, the one who falls first shall fall the least as the sun does upon an eve.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Death comes to us all, you can't escape it so don't even bother trying. You have to think about it once in a while so you might as well get it over and done with this month. Think about death, or more importantly, your own death all this month then you don't have to for quite a while. Think about death without Heaven, Nirvana, Paradise, etc - as it's much more depressing, especially as it's much more likely.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

Are you going through one of those 'life isn't fair' moments? Well it isn't, especially to Aquarians. I'm not an Aquarian, so sussed. What doesn't break you only makes you stronger, and if it breaks you? You're broken. If it ain't broke then don't fix it, but if you're broken, then fix it. You need fixing, not fair is it?

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

You need to concentrate on the lighter things of life this month. Focus on doing simple tasks, enjoying the simple pleasure's and don't take on anything that involves effort, intelligence, talent, skill, initiative or creativity. We at Shiola.com would never suggest that these activities are too much for you, that you are not capable of acheiving such heights, or that you should leave this type of work to people who are more equipt mentally. We would never state that.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.