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Welcome to June 2002 funny horoscopes. Whether they are funny Horoscopes or not remains to be seen but who cares, there's as much truth in these as there are in other horoscope you care to mention.

Click here for horoscope related links.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

Now is time for a change, you know that, it's what you want and there is no fear, you're not afraid. The trouble is that you need just that little bit of luck that will allow a change to actually happen and then you are well on your way. Just that one accident that will change your life, that spark that will inflame a new passion and lead you onto a better life. You've been waiting for this luck for a while now haven't you? Always relying on something, or someone, else to change your life. Take responsibility and stop moaning about it, Jesus! you people make me fucking sick.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

The stars of the Orion galaxy have no influence on your star sign at all, this is only comparable with the influence you have on your friends lives. When was the last time they all rang you? Invited you out? Asked if you were OK? Now be a good little Taurus and stop dragging them down with your mundane life and let them blossom like the beautiful flowers they really are.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

This is going to be a good month for you, yes seriously, it is. The trouble with that is that the rest of the year is going to be absolute dog jank. The next 30 odd days will be pretty good so make the most of it, propose, take that new job, buy that car, ask that person out, invest in those shares now, because if you leave anything of any importance until later then you're astrologically, economically and mentally going to be screwed. The reason for this is that some planet is eclipsing something and it's fucked someone's karma up, and all that other shit, you know what I mean.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

Green is the colour for this month. Someone will be wearing green AND, I guarantee, they will have something to do with France. They probably won't be French but there will be something about them that will be. You should take some time out with this person. That's it, I'm not telling you anymore. You should have gone to Astrology college if you're so interested in your future, I did, took me 3 whole months to learn how to make this bullshit up on a regular basis AND still be guilt free when I take people's money.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

The most common planets in our solar system are 'round' ones. All planets are round because that is the most aerodynamic shape, cubic planets would not be able to pass through space as quickly, and the idea of pyramid planets is too stupid. This month you're everyone is going to perceive you as being a supporter of cubic planets. That means that you are not ridiculous, just slow.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

The most common star sign amongst humans is Virgo. This is because whilst the children are playing with their presents upon a Christmas morn, the parents are upstairs 'checking that Santa isn't stuck in the chimney'. Knowing this, I also know that most people will be reading this section,as you are now, and up to now they have learnt nothing about their future. You haven't have you? Now I've established that I am all-knowing, listen carefully. Jupiter is the only planet that revolves around the Sun 'diagonally' this means that in June next year your life will be the opposite of this year. I advise that you record everything that you do this month, then next year you can make things even better by doing the opposite, or the same, depending what the results were like this year. !dekciW

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

You may feel this month, as with last month, that nothing comes for free, not even friendly and helpful advice. Ring 0898 666 1234 (£4.50 per min) to find out more.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

I was looking for another horoscope source and found this The News Mexico and their horoscopes are done by a guy called 'Sydney Omarr' - which is the same guy we looked at in April's edition of the Shiola.com Horrorscope. Here it is...

Your kind of day! What begins as routine or ordinary will be transformed into the extraordinary. You exude powerful vibrations and will be accepted on your own terms.

  • Your kind of day! - 24 hours long.

  • What begins as routine or ordinary will be transformed into the extraordinary - doesn't specify whether this is a good thing or bad, you could be in for an extraordinary shit day.

  • You exude powerful vibrations and will be accepted on your own terms - I have a fit, OK, but being accepted on my own terms? What?, you mean I'll get paid 1 million pounds a day, get a company Ferrari, have 5 bi-sexual secretaries who used to be models and have 300 holidays per annum? I doubt it Syd.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

One thing is clear this month, and that is the haze covering up a bright future. The dull light struggling to shine through your life's barriers is dimming. Neptune is rising in space, which isn't new. Try to do something if you're not happy, if you are, then keep doing what you're doing. Amazing isn't it? How did they live before horoscopes?

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Like Gemini's, this is going to be a great month for you, the problem being though that you don't know any other Capricorn's. This, in turn, means that you're going to be having a great month and all your friends will be getting pissed off with you as they will be having crap months. Have a good month but keep it to yourself, don't tell anyone and don't interact with anyone in a happy or pleasing way (O'yeah, you haven't got any friends who are Gemini either).

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

Destiny comes true no matter what happens. If something happens then it is known as destiny. This month is no different, your destiny will be realised. To discover what your destiny is can be hard, looking at stars and stuff isn't really going to help.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

A red hat will be prominant this month. Make the effort to make contact with this red hatted person, maybe ask them where they bought their hat from? They hold a secret about your family. Try to be subtle about it, but do ask them a few questions. Maybe follow them home and ask them questions on their doorstep whilst inviting yourself in for tea. Write them a letter once a day asking questions, phone them at work, leave messages on their car, etc. They may try to play a game with you by ignoring you, phoning the police, pretending to be rude with you and telling you to fuck off - don't fall for this, it is just a test to see if you are worthy to receive such valuable information.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.