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Welcome to July 2002 funny horoscopes. Whether they are funny Horoscopes or not remains to be seen but who cares, there's as much truth in these as there are in other horoscope you care to mention.

Click here for horoscope related links.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

All the stars in the sky this month remind you how complicated life can get. If all the stars where a giant dot-to-dot puzzle it would take you years to complete it, obviously you're life isn't that complicated, but more complications will come into your life this month to complicate it even further. The day brings a clear sky with no stars and this serves to remind you that you should ignore your complications, or unload them onto other people - if everyone did that the world would be free of complications. Ignorance helps the world, in the long run.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

'Great minds continue to think alike', which is a shame as your paranoia about people not liking or respecting you is still true. You're paranoid about people talking about you behind your back, and so you should be. It's not malicious or anything, you're just a joke to them. At the end of this month though is the rising of Jupiter in Aquarius which means you'll get them back through sweet revenge, nice.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

You find a real evil streak in yourself this month, which is unusual as you're quite passive in areas of evilness. Go with it, learn how to control it, but also learn how to awaken this unknown part of you when required. Having the power of evil at your service is a powerful friend which you can use on your friends whenever required. This month you will be given a weapon of extreme power, but with that comes the responsibility of responsibleness as it could destroy your life. Do you want power or friends? - that is this month's question.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

This month is being controlled by the moon for Cancerians. This is true because if you look out your window at any point this month, you'll see the moon. It will never leave you, only during the day. This means you should stay in this month during the day as the sun will not do you any favours, it will sunburn you or blind you, or something like that. Live this month like a vampire, without the blood sucking, and you'll be fine. See your town by moonlight and notice the differences.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

This month is being controlled by the sun for Leo's. This is true because if you look out your window at any point this month, you'll see the sun. It will never leave you, only during the night. This means you should stay in this month during the night as the moon will not do you any favours, it will turn your tides or turn you into a werewolf, or something like that. Live this month like a human, without the back stabbing, and you'll be fine. See your town by sunlight and notice the differences.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Virgo people are controlled by Mercury. This month you should be on the look out for handle bar moustaches, prancing around, tight t-shirts, buck teeth, a shaggy lead guitarist and a 'Skalamush do the fandango' (eh?).

What have Elton John and BT got in common?

They've both been fucked by Mercury.

(Non-UK people - Mercury was an old mobile network here in the UK competing with BT. Yes, the joke wasn't funny back when it was original).

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

Just checked out Spiritualists.org and they have this information about Libra;

Gender: Male

House: VII

Element: Air

Mode: Cardinal

Colour: Green

So if you're a Libran but not a green male made of air then you're done for this month, sorry.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

You've got the urge to splash out on something luxurious and expensive but you're wary. On the one hand you want to live for today because you could get run over tomorrow, but then again, you could a long healthy life and you do need to plan. The answer? Buy a tombstone. It's a luxurious item that'll cost a lot and if you do get run over tomorrow then that's one less thing your parents/wife/husband/friends/warden have to worry about. If you have a long healthy life it doesn't matter, you'll always need a tombstone and there's no such thing as 'Tombstone Fashion' or, 'That gravestone is so last year Dave'. Buy one this month and then get really drunk so you can compose your epitaph.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Sagittarius is a centaur with a bow and arrow - and you take this form. This month is crap because instead of the normal 'split' between man and horse where a centaur has the good looks of an athletic human and is hung like a horse - you have the opposite. You have horse's breath to go with your horse's head, and the strain on your little legs is knackering. Plus, the number of 'Godfather' jokes you'll get this month because of your horse's head will really make you mad. 'Would you like your sandwich on White, Brown or 'Thoroughbred' sir?' said the cheeky waitress.

At least you're not a Capricorn, see below.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

My God, did you know Capricorn is top half Goat, bottom half fish. This month you take the form of Capricorn but I don't think it really matters which half is which, because they are both minging. Err, this is going to be a difficult month as the Gods have decided that Capricorn and Sagittarius will take the form of their star signs. The only thing left for you to do is have a go at your parents for not getting jiggy with Mr. Biggy earlier, like in January, as you could've been a Virgo and you know what that means? You could have been a young female virgin all month and just stared at yourself in the mirror all day and take frequent baths.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

Go to Denmark, that's where it's at for Aquarians this month. I have no idea why but check it out. If you live in Denmark, or have already been there, then Mali is screaming out for your attention, go check it out. If the locals ask you what you are doing there tell them you are an Aquarian that has already been to Denmark - they'll understand.

O'yeah, the 21st is special (I read it in another horoscope) leave for Mali or Denmark on the 21st of July. I think they have cheaper flights then or something.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

This month you'll receive a secret message. I cannot reveal what medium this message will be in as I don't know, I'm making this shit up, but when it does come be aware and listen. The message might be within this message, or within the message within this message. If you're lost, you've missed the message and this month is now officially shit. People will talk to you, but you should read between the lines, don't take what they say as black and white, they mean something else. Start listening to records backwards but don't kill yourself, there's no need as next month is better. The message will help you prepare for next month.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.