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  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

You will get lost one day this month and require a map. No this isn't a pun laden sentence, packed with irony or metaphor. You will need an actual map, be prepared. Get a map of your local area, and if you're planning on going further afield, then get a bigger map. Your lucky day is 'tomorrow' whilst the best way for you to improve at work...is to do some actual work.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Your aura will start to spread into your karma around the 22nd of this month. This is not uncommon but do not see a spiritualist type witch doctor person as they will be able to use your aura to get inside your karma and change your spirit. Stay tanked up with spirit this month, cause the more you have the longer it takes to steal it. Your lucky petrol station is 'Murco'. The best time to search your soul is during 'Frasier'.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

You're at a lost at the moment. The New Year hasn't brought with it answers and solutions. Create 100 lifesize cardboard cut-outs of yourself and get your family and friends to hide them around your town/city/village/trailer park, and then you have to try and find yourself. No-one finds themself 100 times!!! So get your friends to stick some currency on each cut-out to increase your desire levels to acheive the goal. Lucky days are the days when you are not looking for yourself. The best way to acheive the above goal is to move to a very small village.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

The Beatles classic 'I'll Follow The Sun' shall prove to be a foolish master to follow this month. Your other horoscopes will probably have recommended this route but you'll just find yourself walking in a strange semi-circle. This approach only works if you can travel at about 20 miles per second, but then you're back where you started 24 hours later - so what's the point? Lucky year was 44 years ago, next one in 233 years time. If you have to choose a colour this month go for the red/purple colour - no reason, just an absolute stab in the dark.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

The 17th of this month finds the first occurance of 'The Uranus Eclipse Of The Earth'. This means Uranus will obscure your view of Earth even if you are on Earth! Amazing stuff for all astronomers. Uranus will literally be on the tip of your tongue! It'll be safe to stick your tongue out again by the 19th. Lucky lizard is 'The Monitor Lizard'. Go for numbers 90 and/or 63.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

When Horoscopes were invented the world was thought to be flat. This idea has not changed over the years. Even though you think you're right during the second half of this month - you're not. People will put forward arguments as strong as the Apollo photos of a spherical Earth back in the 1960's - but you'll still think you're correct. Lucky time is 4.35pm. Check your passport. Just do it.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

The fear and paranoia you've had over the past few months has gotton stronger. This is due to the increased temperature of Venus. The problem Shiola.com has with this though, is why would anyone think you're important enough to spy on, or, hide information from? You're nothing, so why would a government spend money on hiding stuff from you? You probably wouldn't understand it even if you could have access to it. If you do NOT suffer from 'Conspiracy Paranoia' then speak to someone who does. Just keep saying to them - "Yes, I know but I can't tell you why because they're watching me too". Lucky photocopies are double sided with 10% enlargement.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

A lot of great men and women became great dispite some 'unruly' dealings in their formative years. Get all the bad shit out the way now. Cheat and steal like there's no tomorrow. If you do that already, then you've got a head start (something to do with Saturn it says here). Lucky shape is a Rhombus. Drink more water and tell your parents you love them.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Too many delays gives you the opportunity to think your way out of things. Don't think. Delays are impossible to avoid, so just switch off this month and let fate work FOR you. Destiny is strong this month, go with the flow - you don't want to swim uphill do you?! Hobbies - tennis, cards and watching documentaries. Lucky clouds are 'Cirrus Stratus'.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Revelations, through the Asteroid Belt (a forgotton component of Astrology) can be revealed. Lies affect the universe. There are lies that exist even if no-one wants them to. Reveal this wonder by lying in a report, letter, email, conversation, etc. A premeditated lie that you can execute at a later date. See how easy it is to get away with it. Also, prepare for next month as you may have to do some fast talking. Lucky game show 'The Price Is Right'.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

I see a newsagent in a side street. Now a field comes into view. There's no cattle but some guys are riding around in motorbikes. One of them has a cigar. Now I'm in a zoo, in the Hippopotamus section. They have no water, just Dr. Pepper. The mist is coming, I can't see anymore. Someone is coming through the mist. They are wearing a robe, he has two heads. The robe has hair, no...it's a bag, like a sack. There are two balls in the sack...o'no!! It's all bollocks!

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

Have some fucking balls this month! You put stuff off until it's too late. Look fear in the face and get off your arse. The 17th is good day to get off your arse. Any day is good, but if you listen to this kind of rubbish, you might actually do it if you have a deadline. Get what you want. Mercury is far away so make your messages clear and concise. Lucky condiment is 'Honey'.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.