Click here for the Horrorscope archives.

Click here for horoscope related links.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

Your life's routine will come under scrutiny this month as you fear your life has become too predictable. It has. You have become stale and unadventurous but do not let this force you to change. Life is all about balance and you have managed to balance yourself on the tightrope of mediocrity, walking over the pit of despair. The stars are calling you to stop and take a breather, look around at what you have done so far. It isn't much, and it should be better, but at least it isn't worse. Life is shit, but then again, it always has been.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Surprisingly this month, The Asteroid Belt has a big influence on your life this month. Our charts are showing that you have to get 'smashed' on alcohol this month, at least once, and then get between two friends and take pot shots at them for no reason. Our charts also show that you should look out for a man in a purple, velvet coat. Yeah, you should look out for him and avoid him more like! It ain't 1977 mate!

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

This is the month where all risks are acceptable. You have to do things that you never usually would. It'll keep you sane and give you the false illusion that you did actually try to do stuff. Even though you are not fully equipt, prepared or talented enough, just go for it. The fact that Jupiter is rising means absolutely nothing to any Taurans this month so take responsibility yourself for once. The stars also mention something about a bicycle but we have no idea what this means.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

Money will be a big issue this month, so to solve this problem just ignore all money issues. You maybe in debt, if so, don't spend any money this month and see how you get on. Those feelings of regret will become stronger this month, it's something you can't avoid. Yes, you were wrong. Yes, they're never coming back into your life, and yes, it was all your fault. Live with it. Phone up a Tauran this month as they're getting drunk, you could both do with a drinking buddy. Don't wear a purple and velvet coat though.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

You annoy some people, it's true. You may not know this but everyone else knows that there's no-one quite as annoying as a Leo. Concentrate on what you say and how you act this month and see if you can pin point exactly what it is that irritates the shit out of everyone else. Don't be afraid to ask people. If they don't answer, or are afraid to say, then press them on this issue and repeatedly ask them until they give in. 'Columbo' is a good role model this month. Eat loads of bananas as well, they're good for you. And apples.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Take the time to be a little more friendly this month, maybe strike up conversation with an absolute stranger - and not someone you fancy. Ask them about their home life, if they are going on holiday?, when?, will anyone be looking after the house?, what kind of TV do they have (and any other valuables)?, do they have a big dog?, etc. People appreciate this kind of effort and it makes the world a better place. Give this month, as next month you're going to be doing a lot of taking. This month's top shopping tip for Virgo's is to buy a torch.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

Coincidently, this month sees the stars align in exactly the same position as in 1766 except that the Earth is now 0.25 times bigger. This means the stars are closer to the Earth surface, therefore they are more powerful. In 1766, the great horoscope analyst Bertrand Montague recommended that all Librans should take a step backwards to reflect. In 2002, this advice is multiplied by .25 which basically means, just stand still. There's also good news for all Librans born in August, you're actually a Leo or a Virgo.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

Scorpio's are meant to have a 'sting in their tail', but this is crap. The constellation (supposedly) looks like a Scorpion and so to make this whole thing seem feasible they state that Scorpio's have this mean streak and self confidence about them. You Scorpio's should not hide behind this veil and open your softer sides up. Join a yoga class, teach children, make pottery or plant a tree. Make yourself vulnerable to attack for once, then you have all the reasons in the world to strike back. Neptune shows you the way whilst Jupiter gets in the way. Fun is eggshaped.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Desperation looks you full in the face this month, laughs, slaps you and then walks off. The reasons for your desperation is clear, but can you get out of it? Have more self respect and remember the finer things in life. It ain't about the positives this month, it's about getting away with the least amount of negatives. The Moon plays havoc with Pluto's rising and other stuff. A sporting event should be good, well, it should be anyway. Don't trust anyone that tries to mug you.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

The unexplained is a mystery, but don't dwell on it. Horoscopes are centuries old but Pluto was only discovered in 1930? A mystery solved is a mystery destroyed. Everyone loves a good mystery, so become one yourself. Wear strange clothes to work, talk to yourself in a made up language, and ask for days off so you can complete your new religious ceremonies. Temptation looms over you this month, so take advantage as next month you won't have such a wealth of opportunity. A man wearing glasses should be avoided, even if you're married to one.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

A new year doesn't mean anything, a new day does. Start every morning as though it was the beginning of the new year, and treat every evening as though it was New Year's Eve. OK, so you're gong to be tired, hungover and penniless but life is about fun and happiness. When you're next in a restaurant place an order with the waitor/waitress AND justify your choice. The waitor/waitress will appreciate this move and will instruct the chef to adjust his cooking technique accordingly. Justice is important but only for victims. Unless you're going to be a victim all your life, avoid justice as though it was an intangible moral system used to keep the peace. Remember, you're better than all Leo's, so make sure you remind them of that fact.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

This is a hot month for love, well...sex. No love at all really, just crap, guilt ridden sex served on a plate of awkwardness with a side order of regret. Disgust is the desert. Hey, it's better than sitting at home doing nothing! OK, sitting at home doing nothing is better, but these are all life affirming challenges that make us better people. The fly in your soup this month comes in the shape of a young woman with a clipboard. The clipboard has questions which you cannot find the answers to. Confront this young woman, answer her questions with lies and then continue those lies for the rest of the day. The next day, tell everyone you lied to, that you lied. Whatever you do this month, do not spend exactly $9.95. Pay more, pay less, tell them to keep the change, just don't spend that amount.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.