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Welcome to August 2002 funny horoscopes. Whether they are funny Horoscopes or not remains to be seen but who cares, there's as much truth in these as there are in other horoscope you care to mention.

Click here for horoscope related links.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

At the moment you are prone to thoughts that are rather disturbing or overpowering and on the 27th you will feel the urge to defecate on the doorstep of your local clergyman. But do not let this concern you, as this is usual for Arians when Jupiter is bringing up the rear of Uranus. Although patience isn't your strongest point, a good 12 inch machete will do the trick on that annoying fuck of a neighbour that borrowed your lawnmower over a year ago and now thinks it's his. Also you may see the word 'REDRUM' written in blood occasionally but this is quite normal.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

This month Taurus moves into the house of Cancer and has a devastating affect on the carpet. To help keep your natural Karma in this turbulent time, forget about all the years of hard work you've put into your job, as you will get fired on the 15th when your boss walks in on you sniffing his chair. From that point on the nickname 'Rover' will stick like glue and your life will never be the same. Your lowest point will be when you dislocate your hip trying to lick your own genitals.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

What can I say? There's good news and bad news. The good news is that the stars show that good fortune is on its way to you, but the bad news is that you'll have to wait a couple of millennia before this happens. It's a shitter I know, but you could always book yourself into the Cryogenics clinic 'Demolition Man' style.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

Some people are cunts, and the biggest cunts are the cunts who don't know that they're a cunt. I'm afraid this month contains the day when you finally realise what a cunt you are. You might win the lottery and you might meet the love of your life, but you're still a cunt.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

You have exceptional qualities that will benefit you this month, things like being able to walk and see are two of them. Blind and lame? Then other qualities will rise to the surface like being able to read this web page when you're blind!!

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

You find yourself standing on stage during a television show whilst some ginger twat so-called comedian is spewing gags as old as the hills to an audience with an avergae age of 88. This comedian is using you as his straight man whilst abusing one of the most gentlemanly sports around - snooker. His puns are nearly as bad as this little section is, plus you're the only world snooker champion not to have had the final recorded, gutted.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

Did you know Libra is the only star sign that has an inanimate symbol? No? You had a feeling about it though didn't you because you are quite boring, aren't you? Scales - the balance between having personality and being boring. This month means you have to define which side of the scales you are on by being abit more animated than you normally are. Shiola.com has a little tip, drink a load of alcohol or take loads of drugs. It won't improve your personality, but it will rid you of that predictability which makes you so boring. Set yourself the target of 10 litres of hard liquor in three days, good luck.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

This month is abit of a nightmare. There is a new moon on the 8th and I think that means that there will be a high tide, or something. This, in turn, means that the urine in your bladder will slowly move up your body and start to leak out of the orifices in your head. The plus side of this is that you could go into your local town centre, stand in front of an old building and pretend to be one of those human statues that has an internal fountain system. Why is this only happening to Librans? That's the mystery of the stars my friend.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

This month brings with it the opportunity of speaking without thinking. Don't do any thinking this month as it's not written in the stars. Half of you probably do not think anyway, so you're already 'living the dream'. There are many added benefits this month due to lack of thinking - I can't think of any at the moment as I am a Sagittarius and have therefore refused to think this month.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

'Mercury is in Leo in your 8th house until the 6th' - from Astrology101.com.

Bloody hell! You own 8 houses, that can't be bad no matter what star sign you are, but what the fuck is Mercury doing to Leo for 6 fucking days! I don't know if this is Freddie, or the ghost of Freddie but I recommend you go to your 8th house immediately and help poor old Leo out, he must be...sore. He maybe enjoying it, so enter the house carefully.

Later on in the same horoscope - 'Mars is in Leo in your 8th house until the 30th' - fucking hell! You have to leave now! Turn the computer off and save poor Leo, he's going to be getting blisters from The Sisters any moment soon.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

This month is OK as you're on holiday and they don't have stars in Spain, so enjoy it. That's why so many people emmigrate.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

You're not feeling yourself this month...aye, aye!!

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.