Ok, Xmas is coming, so, post your xmas jokes in here!

[boudicca]

A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After
many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else
imaginable, and hearing both her children asking for everything
they saw on those many shelves, this woman finally made it out of
the store and to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season
time of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party,
every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get
that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list,
make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure
of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Not to
mention, getting the kids everything they ask for.

Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in
the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her
two kids in with her, along with all her bags of stuff.

When the doors closed, she let out a big sigh and decided she
couldn't take it anymore, saying out loud, to no one in particular,
"Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and
strung up!"

From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded,
"Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."

[boudicca]

Why is Santa a typical male?

'Cos he comes to your house, scoffs your mince pies, empties his sack and then you don't see him for another 12 months!

[Luna]

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !


How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !


How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !


Yeah ok ok..... ^.^

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

[Buddha99]

what's red and comes once a year.......

yeah, you guessed it..... santa plop!!!!

[Buddha99]

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.
His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and
the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas
and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you
anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus
and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He
finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle.

Your Friend,
Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he
was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give
it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours truly,
Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it
up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have
a bicycle?

Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way
was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been
terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up
the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of
the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed
because of the way he treated his parents and really
considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of
a Catholic church. Johnny went
inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he
should really do.

Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was
looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a
statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.

He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this
letter:

Jesus,

I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give
me a bike.

You know who

[thetongue]

This was a christmas card I will always remember.I received a christmas card many years ago and on the front was a cartoon drawing of Santa,his sleigh and his raindeer that had collided with a old time wooden outhouse and were all stuck in it with just their legs sticking out.Inside it read "Dammit Rudolph I said the Schmidt house!"

[staticxess]

I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays. Cheers!


Letter From Santa


Dear ___________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of
Christmas," but we have had a little problem up here. The Twelve
Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten
Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight
Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for
doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle
Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird
shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of
my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and
some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa






The F**king Night Before Christmas, Dammit
==========================================

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom's at the Whorehouse and Dad's smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter
Then out the window I saw a big red prick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I chuckled when the fat bastard fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dildo for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"



Ahhh, the wealth of the internet....

[boudicca]

Stat........classics!

[staticxess]

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.)
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

[ThatDmnGrL]

"Holiday Nuts"

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and
towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...