The Christmas thread.

[phoenix]

Yeah, we can't have a forum without a Christmas thread can we? (Loads of houses where I live already all done up for it? Why? I dunno, it aint even December yet! )

Anyway.......

Here is today's contribution:

Holiday Carols for the Disturbed‏

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooooh
look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

[Shiola]

I heard on the radio this morning that at least one person dies every year from a Christmas decoration incident, usually from the Christmas tree lights.

Be careful out there people.

[phoenix]

Them there lights are boss!

[Buddha99]

I'm gonna make up a Christmas carol on the fly. Here goes..


Ding dong merrily above,
The weather is a-raining,
Ding dong merrily above,
The economy is a-failing,

Tra la la la la,
La la la la,
La la la la,
My baubels are a-hanging.

Ding dong merrily above,
The car is gettin a-stolen,
Ding dong merrily above,
The (crap) present's a deoderant roll on...

Tra la la la la,
La la la la,
La la la la,
The angel has a-fallen.

Ding dong merrily above,
The Chavs are playin a-music,
Ding dong merrily above,
It's 3am and I might just lose it.


Tra la la la la,
La la la la,
La la la la,
The queen's speech is a-bysmall.

Ding dong merrily above,
The turkey's getting a-basted,
Ding dong merrily above,
The neighbours are getting a-wasted.

Tra la la la la,
La la la la,
La la la la,
This smile is starting to hurt me..

[Buddha99]

Originally Posted by Shiola

I heard on the radio this morning that at least one person dies every year from a Christmas decoration incident, usually from the Christmas tree lights.

Be careful out there people.

Yeah, I almost choked on some mistletoe once. I had no idea it was plastic. It looked so real...and we were so poor.

I think you're onto something there though Ben. Crazy and unusual ways to die at Christmas....

[phoenix]

Buddha........TFF!!!!!

And now for the 12 letters of Christmas:

Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge
in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have
been more surprised. You're an angel.

With all my love and devotion,

Agnes



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Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,

Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
"Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are adorable and I love you for them.

All my love,

Agnes



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Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.


Love,

Agnes



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Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,

Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being
too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes



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Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden
rings", one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes



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Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,

I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the
front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So
you're back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!

Cordially,

Agnes



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Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,

What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received
"Seven swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These
birds shit all over the house and they never stop with that awful
goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off
with those fucking birds, OK?????

Sincerely,

Agnes



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Dec. 21, 1986

OK Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
"Eight maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the
8 maids milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is
shit all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay
off me, smartass!!

Agnes



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Dec. 22, 1986

Hey Shithead,

What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those
maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset
and they're stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the
hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition
to have me evicted.

You'll get yours, bastard,

Agnes



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Dec. 23, 1986


You Rotten Prick,

Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these sluts "ladies."
They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the
goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit!
TheCommisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I'm getting the police on you, asshole!

One who means it!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dec. 24, 1986

Listen Fuckhead,

What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and
ladies??? Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers
ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing
sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death
in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your guts, dumbshit,

Agnes


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Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers
fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her
property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence
with our client should be cleared through this office.

I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach
Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that
institution have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter
please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Season's Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole
Attorney

[phoenix]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Buddha99]

Another Christmas song written on the fly.... Forgive me if it's crap but it's spontaneous, like a pus eruption or political corruption...Yeah...Init...

Christmas Time,
Mistletoe and Wine,
Children stealing,
And committing pet-ty crime.

A time for giving,
And a time for believ-ing,
A time for break-ins,
And small time thiev-ing.

Christmas Time,
Mistletoe and Wine,
Underage drink-ing,
And getting a fine.

A time for being given,
And a time for receiving,
A time for divorce,
Or at least temp-or-arily leav-ing.

Your Auntie's lazy,
And your Granddad's gone deaf,
Your Mamma's gone crazy,
And Junior's doing Crystal Meth.

[phoenix]

lol!!!!

[phoenix]

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope the next year is filled with love, peace of mind, and happiness for you all everywhere
Take care if you are out on the razz. Enjoy!!

(Now, I have to go prepare for tomorrow. I'm feeding the 5000...... Ciao! )
Party on dudes!