I Need Wankers!!

[imported_shiola]

OK, I have an idea blossoming in my mind and I need your help.

Give me a list of 'Celebrity Wankers'. People who are absolute fucking jackasses that make you cringe when you see them.

When I think of 'celebrity wankers' for some reason Mick Hucknall is the first name that comes to mind. If I ponder on this question further than I come up with names such as John Leslie and George Bush.

They can be sportsmen, politicians, musicians, actors....anything, but they have to be male.

[poop skid]

Ben MOTHERFUCKING affleck.


http://www.painofmind.com/articles.php?mode=comments&id=7

[Anonymous]

Dale Winton
des O'connor
johnny osmond

[Anonymous]

charlotte fucking church. now is she a fucking wanker or what? and she's welsh.

[Anonymous]

oops just noticed they have to be male. but she does walk round as if she's got a 10 inch cock or something. I mean gey over the choir career ,love. aled jones did.

[poppet]

one word.............DARIUS!

[Anonymous]

phillip schofield
everyone thats in any uk soap program
frank bruno
frank skinner
any british sportsman that becomes a hero for being useless
eddie the eagle
frank bruno again
tim henman
all boy band members
ant and dec
that muslem cleric with one eye and a hook
all footballers who are better actors then most actors....ooooo ref he mesed my hair up pushed me.
maradona
my bank manager who still has spots and no beard growth
any bailiff
the bloke in my kebab shop who after 5 years still hasnt grasped the concept
of what " no chilli sauce means "
my pub landlord
trever mcdonald
ronald mcdonald
paul ross
jerry adams
edward heath
gay people who get all excited and love telling people they are gay
micheal jackson
psychologists
accountants
the pope
prince edward
midgets
alan titmarsh
market traders

[Anonymous]

Wow Guest,

don't hold back, tell us how you really feel :wink:

[imported_shiola]

That's quite a list. I'll take them all into consoderation apart from Maradona, Trevor MacDonald and ..actually that's it.

Maradona = legend. Better than Pele...YES, I said better then Pele...suck it up Pele lovers.

Trevor MacDonald = pure class. (UK newsreader for all you non-UKers)

Actually here's a picture...

http://www.shiola.co.uk/images/trevor.jpg

How can you argue with a smile like that....with his Carribean laid backness, he could make the breakout of World War III seem alright....'Every-ting is Al-riiiite'

[Anonymous]

mmmm ok....... trever rmcdonald i will reconsider in any future lists and replace him with joe pascali
maradona yes without doubt a suberb footballer and the second goal against england in that world cup defeat was the best goal ever scored almost......second only to that brazilian freekick against france .the ball went towards the corner flag and then curled in.

if i was (peter shilton ?) in goal and the litle shit had tried that hand of god crap with me i would have drop kicked him all around the pitch

shame his almost dead though what a waste of a life ...thin line between madness and genius ....george best , maradona, van gough .paul gascoine.

[Anonymous]

lol times like this you wish you had joined the forum and had use of the edit /delete option,, can someone do the honours please :D

[imported_shiola]

Sorted. Just join up, all are welcome. You get access to free money, hot sex and Lamborghini's....honest guv!

You can join as Guest and be the official Guest member.

[professor puke]

i really hate carson daly....dennis milller is a dick......ted nugent is a dick

[imported_shiola]

Yeah, I watched a bit of Dennis Miller last night - he just butts in all the time with some shit one-liner and then blatantly plugs/defends George Bush. I suppose he's the opposite of Bill Maher. They should put them in a room together and have a 'Comedic Battle of Wits' like a presidential debate type set up.

[poop skid]

fucking yes. Carson Daly is shit. Oh, and Ryan Seacrest, aahhhhhhggggg


Let's see. How about Rush Limbaugh? Nobody's mentioned him, and he's certainly noteworthy... especially seeing as how he always said that people who use drugs should get stiff prison terms, and now he's a cokehead. how irony does love to bite us in our asses.

[imported_shiola]

OK, you may have thought I'd forgotton all about this, but I haven't.

I have a game in the making where celebrities are wanking (masturbating). I just need sound effects and then this thing is finished. So.....fellow Shiolians, I need your help. Just record a few sound files on your computer of how you think the following people bash the bishop;

1.. Michael Jackson
2.. Peter Andre
3.. Osama Bin Laden
4.. Richard Simmons - that gay fitness guy www.richardsimmons.com
5.. Davaid Hasselhoff
6.. Hitler
7.. Abu Hamza - The 'Sling Your Hook' guy
8.. Dale Winton

To record a sound file...
Start Menu - Programs - Accessories - Entertainment - Sound Recorder.
Click on the record button, say what you're going to say, and then save it.

It couldn't be easier. The file can eithe rbe 2 seconds long or 30 seconds long. Save the file with the name, eg. winton1 / winton2 / etc - then email them to me ben@shiola.co.uk and you'll be apart of history. Title the email 'WANKER SOUNDS' or something similar so I don't lose it in the mass of daily spam I recieve.

No holds barred here gang, anything goes. Get friggin manked on da mike!

[imported_shiola]

Thanks to staticxess for sending some soundfiles in.

There's still time. It isn't hard, just act like a complete monkey and record yourself doing it, it couldn't be easier.

[staticxess]

Spank the monkey!

:wanking: :munky2:

[switchblade romance]

Clay Aiken.

[washing up liquid]

hmm jonny deep, orlando bloom, cos they know they're fit

[Alien Stick]

i'm lost again...

[washing up liquid]

hehehe this is wot i wanna do to jonny deep
http://www.btinternet.com/~gjsheehan/spank.gif
http://www.btinternet.com/~gjsheehan/bedr.gif
orlando bloom can join in 2
http://www.btinternet.com/~gjsheehan/3some.gif

[Alien Stick]

who's on top?

[staticxess]

EWW

[Alien Stick]

lmao...i want in on that hot action!!! Ms. WUL AND Jonny AND Orlando!! that would be like even better than heaven!!

[Eddie Buddha]

Alright, I know that a Wanker's a masturbator in the dictionary sense of usage, but on this board, the subtly is passing over my head like a Patriot missle.

To whit: is a Wanker worse than or better than an American jerk-off? Are they the same? Since we're dealing with an exchange rate here, is a Wanker more likely to be in equal value (annoyance value, of course) to, say, an @$$hole,US, or closer to a boring old git UK?

Give me some examples here, guys, so I can stay in the loop.

[washing up liquid]

wankers, guys who pee u off

[BlackSunshineAZ]

Alright, I know that a Wanker's a masturbator in the dictionary sense of usage, but on this board, the subtly is passing over my head like a Patriot missle.

To whit: is a Wanker worse than or better than an American jerk-off? Are they the same? Since we're dealing with an exchange rate here, is a Wanker more likely to be in equal value (annoyance value, of course) to, say, an @$$hole,US, or closer to a boring old git UK?

Give me some examples here, guys, so I can stay in the loop.

That's the difference between British English and American English. It's quite amazing when you look at the difference in the languages. I think there is even a dictionary somewhere that helps you translate. Anyway, wanker = a-hole, dumbass, etc.

[Alien Stick]

this all should be in the teach me real english thread...

[Eddie Buddha]

Black Sunshine, Ya know, I'm fast becoming convinced that you ARE one of those radioactive mutant babies the Truman-era A-bomb testing spawned.

Look, while your 's and Alienstick's hero and role-model for intolerant, sniffy, nose-in-the-air upper-crustiness, Prince Charles, can ramble around places like Aspen, and Buckingham Palace (once it's had all it's sharp edges taped over, of course, so he won't hurt himself whilst running in the halls) pretending that there's only ONE "correct" form of English ("the British version,of course," the Enlightened One said with a deep sneer etched into one side of his mouth), the ultimate truth is that no one can ever control the direction a particular sub-dialect wiil evolve toward, -- and thank the Buddha for that! Believe this or don't, but language is the final bastion of democracy, 'cause NO-body can dictate what changes the people speaking that language will impose on it.

Look how the lingual-nazis in France are always driving themselves into fits of apoplexy whenever the hoi polloi there decide to use "le hot dog," or "le airbag" instead the "official" Gaulic versions of the same thought-forms. And that official phrase is almost always SO clumsy in its final form. I swear that it falls off the tongue with about as much grace and believability as when Bushinoid 43 tries to put the words "compassionate" and "conservative" side-by-side in the same sentence.

No, oh knuckliest of all knuckleheads, Americans aren't gonna wait for someone in Picadilly Circus to "invent" a word like wanker, and then wait even longer for it to get to their shores before they can use it. They're just gonna go ahead and make up an appropriate word that serves the same purpose equally as well. Just as speakers of "Blacklish" in Harlem and Watts, and Spanlish, and of Japlish, and the French-English argot that's spoken in and around New Orleans, and versions of English mixed whatever other language is close at hand around the world, will do when they need a word of specialized usage.

The words may have ALMOST the same value, but it's never an exact fit.

Thus, I --tower of tolerance and humane consideration that I am (also, I don't believe in false modesty, or any other kind, for that matter)-- have to ensure that the word is appropriate to the personage being derided by asking for eqivocation.

Ergo, and to whit: Michael Jackson, Ronald McDonald, Richard Simmons, Dennis Miller, Ted Nugent were all designated to be wankers.

Ok, I have abso-tively, posi-lutely no doubt that all of the above jack off on at least a regular basis in the privacy of their own homes (in the bathrooms? in front of their computers?).

But of the first two persons, I'd rather not imagine their being left alone and unsupervised with small children for extended periods of time (especially that guy in the clown suit, very John Wayne Gacy-ish, ya know?).

The last two, on the other hand, are right-wing, loud-mouthed @$$holes of the first water; obnoxious idiots who should be loudly and deafingly ignored by sane, reasoning adults at all times, at all costs.

But, then again, I'm not particularly scared at the thought of even those two jerks being allowed near children .... except when those kids are in school, maybe (oh, Taho, Nichiren, and all Buddhas great and small, don't let anyone start thinking of those red, white, and blue wingnuts as educators, PLEASE!).

So, wherer's the middle ground? The guy in the middle, Simmons? Is he a standard-issue wanker, as opposed to a scarey wanker, or an enflamed anal wanker?

A name I didn't see on the list was Paul Reuben -- better known as Pee Wee Herman, infamous for getting caught in a Flordia porn-movie house while masturbating under his raincoat when the lights were low.

Is he a "bad" wanker as Paul Reuben, and a "good" wanker as Pee Wee?

Since neither Simmons nor Reuben have ever admitted to being gay, but we all "know" they are, do they fall into the specialized catagory of "closeted wankers?"

I'm just asking for a concensus on what constittutes a universal definition of wankers, is all.

Anybody else wanna contribute?

this all should be in the teach me real english thread...

[washing up liquid]

wow, u do make long posts dont u! not all of us have da time, even though i did read it ofcourse!

[BlackSunshineAZ]

There is another Pee-Wee Herman movie in the works

[staticxess]

Excellent
Is it a porno?

[Alien Stick]

lol, maybe it'll be him jacking off in a theater!

[Enormous A$$]

awesome!

[Shiola]

The whole point of this thread was this game here - http://www.shiola.co.uk/soggybiscuit/index.php

The post for it is here - http://www.shiola.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=1229

Thanks for your suggestions.