Your Horoscope

[dontpanic]

When this site was first birthed from the loins of our dear sitemaster, it came complete with weekly horrorscopes. At some point he began "working" and having a "life" and lost track of these weekly delights from the planets.

In the spirit of the old becoming fashionable once again, I have decided to blatantly copy these horoscopes from a weekly OKC rag called VOX Magazine.
A couple of the scopes reference Oklahoma, but you can just insert the name
of your state/country/occupied nation where appropriate.

Enjoy!

Capricorn:

Naming your new band becomes a serious challenge this week. Do what you will, but the starts have advised against The Flesh Mattresses as a first choice.

Aquarius:

Memories of childhood abound this week, Aquarius. Don't worry. Uncle Larry is in prison and can't hurt you anymore.

Pisces:

This week, Pisces, you will develop a prostrate the size of a grapefruit. The fact that some of you reading this are women is particularly interesting.

Aries:

You realize this week, Aries, that your love of mayonnaise is getting in the way of you leading a normal life. There will never be enough luncheon meat to satisfy the craving. Seek help.

Taurus:

Your collection of Curious George memorabilia reaches critical mass this week. In other words: Grow the hell up.

Gemini:

You shouldn't worry too much that you didn't get the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy in this year's community theater production of "The Nutcracker." After all... Oh, nevermind... that's just too easy.

Cancer:
While exploring your masochistic side this week, you'll ask a sadist to hurt you. His reply will be "No." It will be love at first sight.

Leo:

This week, you will lose an eye while engaged in a knife fight with a pygmy prostitute from Lawton, Oklahoma. What the hell were you doing in Lawton in the first place is still unclear.

Virgo:

Murdering your wife in order to have mind-blowing anal sex in prison is not
advisable this week, Virgo. You should stop using reruns of "Oz" as an example of a good time.

Libra:

According to page 131 of the Associated Press Stylebook, Jaws of Life is a trademark name for the tool used to pry open parts of a vehicle to free those trapped inside. You might want to tell that hooker at the bus station that continuing to use this name could result in legal action.

Scorpio:

While shopping for stationery at Barnes & Noble this week, you will realize that you have no one to correspond with. Sucks to be you, huh?

Sagittarius:

While downloading songs to your iPod this week, Sagittarius, you'll discover you have more songs sung by Julie Andrews than anyone else in Oklahoma. I wouldn't tell too many people about that if I were you.

[imported_shiola]

My, my you do have a good memory. Yes, the Horrorscopes were banished because I got very bored writing them every month and soon ran out of ideas. They are still online here if you care to gaze upon their corpse - http://www.shiola.co.uk/horrorscopes.shtml

The Albumscopes were also deleted due to me being bored of writing them - though I still like the idea, so if anyone wants to take it up, you can.

If you're still interested in Horoscopes then check out - http://www.crazyhoroscopes.com - it was submitted in the Linkdumpster the other day.

Those horoscopes above sound better if you keep Oklahoma references in there - I'm Sagitarius and especially enjoyed it.

[dontpanic]

I'm an Aquarius. I don't talk about Uncle Larry.

[Hammer]

Aquarius here too, Uncle Larry keeps writing to me! Tell him I've moved to Borneo or something!

[poppet]

I wish i had read these earlier!

I'm Leo and that pygmy bitch was asking for it....she was on my patch.
Now all i have is an eye patch..ho hum.

[switchblade romance]

I'm a Sagittarius.

[shai]

sun sign: Taurus
moon sign: Cancer
ascendant: Aries

Give me the time, day, year, place you were born and i will find your ascendant.

[imported_shiola]

11pm
6th December 1974
Marlborough, Wiltshire, UK

Go for it.

[shai]

you are probably a virgo ascendant:

www.artcharts.com/learn_astrology/ascendant_signs/virgo.html

does that describe you?

[imported_shiola]

True: A contradiction in your personality is that you can be totally organized and attentive to details in some areas, while at the same time be appallingly disorganized and sloppy in other areas.

Total Horseshit: You may enjoy collecting recipes, postage stamps, and medical remedies.

[dontpanic]

9:38 pm
22nd January 1977
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA

What is an ascendant?

[staticxess]

An ascendant is also referred to as one's rising sign
which is determined by the constellation that's at the horizon in your geographical area at the time of your birth, it is said it determines ones character and the way you appear to others as. For example "Jake is a Leo but his rising sign or ascendant is in Gemini, his Sun Sign is often mistaken for Gemini by the way he acts and appears to others."

Based on my stats

11:08 PM
24 June 1971
Boston, Massachusetts,USA

sun sign: Cancer
moon sign: Cancer
ascendant: Aquarius

I should appear and behave more like an Aquarius more than I do a Cancer, Thank GOD...I think... I think therefore I am...I think I need to check out my options...I think for myself....I think I think alot....I think I think too goddamn much! See? Not completely wrong here. Me thinks.

[Hammer]

Sounds interesting!

7pm
3rd Feb 1972
Ashford, Kent, England

[dontpanic]

I checked out the site and apparently I am:

Sun: Aquarius
Moon: Pisces
Acendant: Virgo

Interesting stuff, I guess. I don't put much stock in it because they seem far too general to apply to any one group of people while excluding others. I mean, pretty much anyone can find elements of himself in any of the descriptions for any of the signs. That being said, I have one coworker who essentially swears by them and continually points out that the reason I am "bat-shit crazy" is because I am an Aquarius. Now, that's just silly.

[staticxess]

DP You mean you believe you are "bat shit crazy" for clinical reasons?

Wow there's hope for ME after all....

Or could it be that your ascendant in Virgo might have made you a tad anal retentive and a bit perfectionist so much so that you loose sleep over what you're doing or what you want?
Explains why MJ still thinks his nose is too big. lol

Overall there's a certain amount of BS in any horoscope that isn't based on an individual chart.
Like I don't think like I need to mother people
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve
I don't care to perpetuate the species we have enough people crowding our space
I'm not emotional or emotionally insecure
These things supposedly are marked in my Sun Sign but aren't true for me.
Horsecrap!

[Alien Stick]

5:45AM
Jan 9th 1990
Wheatridge, Colorado, USA

[Izabella_Hages]

I'm lady in nylon!
I'm 23, i'd like all people on the world!
I'm was born 24.09.1981!
I'm like nylon:
http://www.needforporn.com

[Alien Stick]

what's with the nylon fetish?

[staticxess]

"i'd like all people on the world!"
What? To do what? You'd like us all if we were....?
To visit your funky foot fetish site?

"I'm like nylon:"
You are stretchable and snag when a nail is run over you?
You are one size fits all?
Or you're just made of plastic fibers kinda like Barbie is?
Please clarify...I'm confused by your post.

[dontpanic]

This week's horoscopes from the same source:

Aquarius: This week will suck. You will get nothing productive accomplished and you will be looked down upon by most everyone you know. But look on the bright side. At least you don't have herpes. Hey, what's that on your lip?

Pisces: Dropping a few extra pounds should be your goal this week. After all, you want to get into that fur bikini, don't you?


Aries: Always remember that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. It will also make you really hyper and do strange things to your blood sugar, but all that doesn't matter right now. You've got to take your medicine.

Taurus: The successful Iraqi elections have inspired you to run for political office. Be warned, though, that the stars advise against hiring your Uncle Larry as your campaign manager. He's crazy and his breath stinks.

Gemini: Rap star Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot wil pay you a visit this week. She will ask you for weight-loss tips and want to know how you got so thin. Give her some advice and make a few bucks. She doesn't need to know you're anorexic.

Cancer: Roses are red. Violets are blue. You're a big pothead who likes to sniff glue.

Leo: While studying the Kabbalah this week, you will have a spiritual awakening. Unfortunately, this will be followed immediately by a spiritual nodding off.

Virgo: Taking out a home equity loan often is a good way to consolidate debt. But since you live in a van down by the river, it's probably not going to work out for you.

Libra: You will run into an old friend from school this week. She will look fantastic - so good in fact, that you will run into her again...and again...and again.

Scorpio: The United States Constitution states that from time to time, the president shall make an address on the state of the union. Your employee manual, however, says that from time to time, you shall address an envelope. We all have our burdens to bear.

Sagitarius: It's been said that if you build it, they will come. In short, if you build a meth lab, they cops will haul your ass off to jail. Words to live by.

Capricorn: Taking pictures of your toes and selling them on eBay is not going to make you rich. Pictures of your uterus - especially if you're a man...well...that's a different story.


Enjoy!

[staticxess]

Looks like Capricorn
is the lucky one this week

[staticxess]

How about a Chinese Horoscope for Shiola?

[dontpanic]

I'm on it. But it is going to take a few minutes as the team I am rooting for just tied it in the super bowl and in the last few hours I have just chased one beer with a bottle of merlot and shit it is hard to type.

[staticxess]

Cool dontpanic can't wait to see...
Heh we all saw how the game turned out eh?
Get a little loopy when ya drink?
GO PATRIOTS!

[dontpanic]

Loopy? Certainly not. Though I did get up and dance around a little every time they advertised the Daytona 500. I did completely forget to check out Chinese horoscopes for the best one to post. I'm still on it, though.

[dontpanic]

I think this is a pretty straightforward Chinese horoscope. I like it because it goes according to the actual start day to end day of the Chinese year. Enjoy!

http://www.scoutnet.net.au/chinese/horoscope.html

Here's mine: http://www.scoutnet.net.au/chinese/dragon.html

[staticxess]

Wow cool
I totally forgot about this, Dontpanic

Here's mine
http://www.scoutnet.net.au/chinese/pig.html
Although I did not agree with
aims to please or easily deceived.
The compatibility chart is pretty accurate I'll say,
as my wife is born the year of the sheep.

This chinese horoscope site seems pretty detailed
http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/YourSign.htm

Here is their sign detail for me
I guess I am a Male Metal White Dragon, born in the year of White Boar or Pig???

Feng Shui anyone?