stevanh
4th January 2005, 06:46 PM
Scottish Soldier
A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
Scottish Lovemaking Skills
The Italian says, "When I’vea finished a makina da love with
my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her
knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah ’ave finished
making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her
body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and
she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Scotsman says, "Laddie, that’s nothing. When I’ve
finished shagging my Lass, I get out of bed, walk over to the
window and wipe my @#%$ on the curtains. She hits the roof
A Scottish Pregnancy
An eighteen year-old girl in Aberdeen goes home to see her mum and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, " Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!! "
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a brand new red Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
" Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 houses, a beach villa and put £750,000 into her bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a £1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a business and £500,000 each.
However..., if there is a miscarriage... "
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, interrupts, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll shag her again!!
A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
Scottish Lovemaking Skills
The Italian says, "When I’vea finished a makina da love with
my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her
knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah ’ave finished
making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her
body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and
she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Scotsman says, "Laddie, that’s nothing. When I’ve
finished shagging my Lass, I get out of bed, walk over to the
window and wipe my @#%$ on the curtains. She hits the roof
A Scottish Pregnancy
An eighteen year-old girl in Aberdeen goes home to see her mum and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, " Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!! "
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a brand new red Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
" Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 houses, a beach villa and put £750,000 into her bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a £1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a business and £500,000 each.
However..., if there is a miscarriage... "
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, interrupts, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll shag her again!!