Computer Hell

You can stitch up any computer-illiterate person by changing some settings on their computer. If you work in an office with some little Hitler giving you shit, then we think it's time you sent a few Dambusters into his hardrive, storm the mouse controls and scramble the keyboard.

I think the following ideas will work on Windows 95/98/2000/XP, but there maybe slight variations. Mac, Linux, Sun, Atari, Spectrum ZX and anyone using any other operating sytems will have to figure these out themselves...sorry. Feel free to send instructions and any new tips into us - Computer Hell Email.

Crankers.org had some good ones but they've disappeared, including every email the victim sends automatically gets 'blind carbon copied' to the victims boss. I friggin love that one.

Have a look at RJL Software too. You can download a bunch of various little programs that you install on someone's computer to really screw with their mind. Nice. There's more here and here.

mouse | cursor | keyboard | sound

• Mouse

You can mank the mouse up by changing it from a right handed mouse to a left handed one (or vice versa).

Start Menu - Help - Search for 'mouse' - Choose 'Reverse Mouse Buttons' and follow instructions.

• Cursor

You can change the speed that the user needs to double-click buttons and stuff, resulting in them needing advanced Parkinson's disease to actually do anything on the computer.

Start Menu - Help - Search for 'repeat rate' - Choose 'Change The Way Your Keyboard Responds' and follow instructions.

• Keyboard

You can change the keyboard settings for some keys. For example, setting a US keyboard from a UK one will slightly change things (eg. the @ and " symbols). Then again, you may just want to send the victim into a world of confusion and plump for the Gaelic or Faeroese settings.

Start Menu - Settings - Control Panel - Keyboard - Input Locales - Add - Choose a country keyboard layout and then click OK - Highlight new keyboard layout and click on 'Set As Default' - then click on OK.

• Sound

Probably the best one. You can change any sound on the computer by simply recording your own soundbite and replacing the existing one. You need to be able to record sound though on your computer.

To record a sound file...

Start Menu - Programs - Accessories - Entertainment - Sound Recorder. Click on the record button, unleash a tide of obsceneties and then save it.

To insert the new sound file...

Start Menu - Settings - Control Panel - Sounds and Multimedia - Sounds - Sound Events. Choose which sound event you wish to change (eg. default beep, email notification, start windows, etc), click on 'Browse', choose your newly recorded sound file, click on OK and then OK again.

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