Below is the Albumscope reading for this month. You can either try to guess what album this reading was taken from, or if you can't be arsed to play stupid little games, just click here and spoil the fun.

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  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

Just say 'when'. Don't ask for anyone's blood because they'll want it back someday. The Sun is a glutton, but like all gluttons, it'll explode because it's so full of shit. Your lucky day is 'tomorrow' whilst the best way for you to improve at work...is to do some actual work.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Talkling about guns isn't tough, funny or hard. The Sun isn't going to affect you on Sunday's this month - strange, but these boys know what they're going on about. Your lucky petrol station is 'Murco'. The worst time to search your soul is during 'Oprah'.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Don't worry about stuff you can't see. No-one actually loves stuff they CAN see. Neptune is frowning down on you this month if you accept any really obvious ryhming - shout-doubt, I ask ya!!. Uranus will literally be on the tip of your tongue! It'll be safe to stick your tongue out again by the 29th. Lucky lizard is 'The Monitor Lizard' (always is). Go for numbers 90 and/or 63.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

This month is 'Get Your Groove On' month, nice. The Sun is due to fall but that's a metaphor for your finances. Red is NOT a lucky colour this month even if you are Chinese. Lucky photocopies are double sided with 10% enlargement. Black and White at 87%? You might as well drink Hemlock now.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

Few words are needed this month. Chanting a few choice phrases instead of getting into the detail is what it's all about. Avoid Helium and Hydrogen, and any gravity defying...things. Lucky shape is a Rhombus. Drink more water and tell your parents you love them...if they're still alive.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Don't bother bitching, no-one cares and why should they? You're just bitching about fuck all. Revelations, through the Asteroid Belt (a forgotton component of Astrology) can be revealed. Lies affect the universe. There are lies that exist even if no-one wants them to. Reveal this wonder by lying in a report, letter, email, conversation, etc. A premeditated lie that you can execute at a later date. See how easy it is to get away with it. Also, prepare for next month as you may have to do some fast talking.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

Just give up and die. No you'll never get back with the love of your life, settle for second best at least he/she gives good head - that's what counts after 30 years of marriage. Jupiter is still the largest planet this month.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

Did you know the US government is selling legs? That's how George Bush runs for government. 'Do they go all the way up?'. Run for government yourself if you ain't happy. Pluto, planets, stars, and stuff. Follow your lustful instincts this month - like you wouldn't anyway!

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

I first thought this was 'And I am naked', but it's ;aching'. Maybe a sign? Probably not. Dogs are surprisingly prominent this month (this won't surprise Battersea Dog's Home staff or Korean Chef's). Your lucky colour is black and your unlucky colour is white (Ooooh! Is that racialist?).

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Beware of guns that can shoot everything - fuck, that would hurt. Also, beware of partners running out and taking everything, nick some of their stuff first and store it round a friends house. You can then blame them if the partner finds out - perfect. Neptune is really no place for you at this stage of your life's development. Write down all your dreams this month and then use them as excuses for why you were late in for work next month.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

It's all about your parents innit really? If they fuck up, then you're a fuck up. We've all got some issue or problem that's been 'passed down'. My Dad is a tidy freak, and I am too. I don't wash my hands every two minutes but you should see my bedroom and desk at work - not a thing out of place. Friendships and wisdom comes from the bottom of a whiskey bottle - that isn't a prediction either, that's a plain fact.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

Going out with a surgeon can be tough, as they can actually take out your heart and soul. Well, maybe not the soul but they could remove your heart and sell it on the internet. That's if you don't smoke. Life is all about balance and you have managed to balance yourself on the tightrope of mediocrity, walking over the pit of despair. The stars are calling you to stop and take a breather, look around at what you have done so far. It isn't much, and it should be better, but at least it isn't worse. Life is shit, but then again, it always has been.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.