Below is the Albumscope reading for this month. You can either try to guess what album this reading was taken from, or if you can't be arsed to play stupid little games, just click here and spoil the fun.

Click here for horoscope related links.

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  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

To feel immortal is to experience time going by very slowly due to a thingymajig in Neptune's moons. Guns aren't the best form of protection but a holiday would be a good idea. The 21st is a good tyime to do something no-one else has done.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Taurans are in for a good month. Jupiter is dancing in circles on the 24th. If things go too well then you'll be on the run again. Do you want that? Why run if things are going well? Lucky place to eat is Little Italy. Unlucky place for skiing is Gypsy Mountain.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Optimistic feelings maybe found this month due to the moon waxing and waning. One day you'll find a place, but not yet. You've got to stumble around abit more until you reach the final end. Good drivers read the signs. One day, maybe the 12th.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

Keeping in touch with a loved one is important this month. Like good football, keep it simple and to the point. Unlike good football, don't cross the line. The walls have eyes all month. Due to the Sun rising and the years circling, you may suspect why you're here.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

You may have good eyesight but you can't see the future. There's gold at one end of the rainbow, but you're always at the other. The 15th is interesting in many unspecific ways. Lucky train journey is from Mexico.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Gravity, 'treat your neighbour as you'd like them to treat you', 'you're always going to get fucked by someone' - the laws of nature have been here longer than you, so deal with it. If you live in the city then check your lightbulbs this month. Maybe a good idea to steer clear of people who want to talk about drugs, death and disease...unless you're a doctor or counsellor. Believe in The Beatles, as good as anything else out there.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

If roads remind you of your troubles then it's time to hit the road. The sweat on your skin could be from a sin. Try not to think of sex all day, everyday. It ain't very productive.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

Don't hold your breath too long. So you don't get lost, use a ball of string to track your travels. Go for a drive on the 17th.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Don't rush into situations blindly, unless you're packing over a ton of explosives. Avoid walking too far off the ground.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

It's true, you can never get too much of a wonderful thing. Don't let your life become The Benny Hill show by chasing people around tables though. Check your walls for any wear and tear, maybe a bit of Polyfilla will be required. Any dirty little secrets should remain well hidden.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

Apparently dreaming of horses has sexual connetations. What was that Guiness advert telling us? Especially the bit about 'The best things come to those who wait'. Try and break a record. Any Donny Osmond one would do. Pluto and stuff, yeah.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

Take it easy this month all Pisces people. Leave the luggage of yesterday behind and walk on with a spring in your step. Put too much hope in someone else and they may drop it. Shop-lifted as a kid? Fuck it, we all did. If you die of shock, then at least you've seen something interesting. Lucky marine attribute - buoyancy.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.