Below is the Albumscope reading for this month. You can either try to guess what album this reading was taken from, or if you can't be arsed to play stupid little games, just click here and spoil the fun.

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  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

Phase One will occur on the 12th. Be sure to lift some latches and light some matches on your way home. You'll remember so many memories that you'll wonder how you'll remember anymore as the road ahead doesn't look long enough. Also, remember to give Doris her oats on the 16th, when Neptune is at it's mediumest. Lucky apparel is a raincoat.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Hold it! Stop and celebrate everything you are. You can penetrate any place you go, just be careful where you're going. You can't just penetrate anything you want, where would we be then?!! Radiate everything you are on the 16th and then again on the 21st. Imitate everyone you know, it'll get a few laughs this month. Lucky motion is indicating everything you see.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Your words will feel as though they fall on deaf ears and float out across the universe. Don't be so wound up by it and open your mind, something can change your world. Let the sound of laughter invite you on the 28th..that is unless a mugger is laughing at you. Lucky number is a million.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

All through the day and all through the night you'll want to spend some quality time with just yourself. Do it, even if it means a few tears along the way. Don't worry too much if people look as though their leaving either...fuck 'em!

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

Keep on rolling this month. Don't get bogged down with loads of affairs and beaurocracy like the FBI, CIA or the BBC, just chill like BB King on the 12th until the 27th. Lucky film is anything with Doris Day in...or indeed, Matt Busby. I'm sure a George Best video would do the trick.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

In your hour of darkness the answer will be standing infront of you. There will be an answer on the 16th, due to the moon, but it may be retracted on the 18th because not everyone can agree. Lucky mistake is leaving the light on until tomorrow.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

If you're found guilty this month, then don't be surprised as it's probably your fault, stealing or something. Jupiter is rising, but not to help you, it's just rising because of gravity. Lucky north western city in the UK is Liverpool. Unlucky salary is £2.10 a week.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

You're going get some feelings this month, and there's no way you're going to be able to hide them. Don't be late again this month, Pluto is not very forgiving this month. It's a Planet, how it can be forgiving, I have no idea. Stay on your toes and let your hair down this whole month - just a good habit to get into. Wet dreams are lucky this month.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

When you see a number such as 910, then it's usually best to refer to it as NINE-ONE-ZERO. Don't go complicating matters by using other methods. Check where you're going this month. Saturn maybe taking you to the wrong locations. If the old savannah is calling - check that is what you want. Lucky girls are cold as ice.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Life may seem like you have to carry a heavy bag of shit over your shoulder on the long road to Shitsville. You don't have to make that journey yourself. The 14th is a good day to offload that bag of shit onto someone else...someone with a door. A lucky road is one that doesn't lead you around in circles.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

Pot smoking FBI members should not be a problem this month, but fact is stranger than fiction. This month is great for being in love. You should live every moment for your loved one, because this month, not even Elmore James has got anything on them and he's one slick dude. A lucky Queen is one whom says 'One says No'.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

Draw a picture of some digits - the hand or number variety. You maybe alone but it won't last, get some grass. Yeah, fucking smoke it too big boy! Mercury is delivering a message telling you to get it while you can, this isn't an audition...good advice, I'd take it, but then again I'm not a Pisces. Lucky kitchen implement is a frying pan, but remember, it's only an implement. Don't BE the frying pan.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.