Below is the Albumscope reading for this month. You can either try to guess what album this reading was taken from, or if you can't be arsed to play stupid little games, just click here and spoil the fun.

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  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

The North Star is fading this month which means you may get lost. Other people will feel the same, especially other Arians. If you're not an Arian then don't hide yourself away from Arians because they're finding it hard to find anything this month. The 31st of June will be a very strange, but exceptional day.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

Unlike Arians, you'll be able to get where you want to go, but getting back is your trouble. There's an argument that everything changes, so will going back ever be the same? But what if the changes can't be seen? If a bear shits in the wood will anyone hear it? Jupiter's gravity is especially strong this month, but that effects everyone so no, you're not that special. Especially not on the 23rd.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

You can stay inside this month, or get out amongst it. You're never out of time to find out what you're missing. Saturn's ring piece is expanding and will become the main attraction after all the waiting. The 9th doesn't exist because 7, 8, 9. The past will haunt you on the 28th.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

If someone's always out of reach, then it's probably their problem, not yours. Fuck 'em. Carry on with your life until they can be arsed to communicate with you. Walk on your hands so you can feel the earth beneath your feet.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

Life ain't all beer and skittles. You got to take the rough with the smooth. The stars may not be as bright, but don't be a miserable little blighter. This month is long enough. Visit 'Rent-a-Smile' or just try to imagine Robbie Williams is a proper songwriter.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Be reassuringly expensive and get a good nights sleep. All the planets are drifting in the dark, if it was any other way, you should be worried. The 26th is an important day if you were born on that day.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

You want to spread your wings and see the world, but if coming home feels so good, should you have left in the first place? Clean your ears out this month. Lucky Americanism is a high five.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

If you let the weather get you down then you're a pitiful fool. Appreciate what you've got, and if you haven't got anything, appreciate that you haven't got the responsibility of having anything. If you keep thinking blue thoughts, hire different videos. Venus commands you to take a cold shower, especially on the 17th and 30th.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

If you find yourself face down in a basement, sort it out. Unlucky condition is a 'Misty Mind'. Neptune is doing stuff and don't smoke cigarettes down to the butt. The 23rd is a revealing day in an unexciting way.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

You're my favourite zodiac sign this month. I've put in a good word with Shiva, or whoever runs this crap. OK, don't bother waiting. It's all good because Neptune is rising and Mars is chilling and other stuff. The 19th is very good, the 22nd is good God and the 29th is goodness gracious!

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

Dreams and reality are different. Tatooine is not real, Neptune is. Neptune is rising in your 9th month's Zodiac multiple hemisphere region causing you to bitch on and on. You need to chill out, blame it on Saturn sinking in the South. Zeus commands that you have a holiday and relax, don't do it, if you want to come.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

Memories DO fade. Don't belive all that shit about memories never fading. What did you do when you were 3? Apart from shitting your pants? Take photographs and write a diary. That's if you want to remember. The 14th is a good day to forget, infact most of your life could be forgotton without any damage to human history. After all, you only have a lifetime to make any impact. Errr..um...Pluto is round, I mean spherical.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.