Below is the Albumscope reading for this month. You can either try to guess what album this reading was taken from, or if you can't be arsed to play stupid little games, just click here and spoil the fun.

Click here for horoscope related links.

Click here for the Albumscope archives.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

Something ain't right this month. Use normal light bulbs for your house. Don't watch the adult version of Paul Daniels or David Copperfield, you may feel sick. Awww! If you neglect intellectual matters this month, Mars will trip you up so you stumble and fall. Around the 25th of this month there'll be a gaping hole - that's your reality.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

If you find yourself on a train of thought, stay with it. If not, you're probably killing time. Jupiter is rising on the 15th and then rising again on the 16th. Beware of people who wear camouflaged contact lenses. Keep your ear to the ground.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

If someone starts running towards you, armed to the teeth, fucking leg it! You didn't really need to be told that. Don't spend too long with your head in a book. Get some sun, if it's sunny. Lucky meal is Roast Goose.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

Don't fall for elaborate finished articles when they have no meaning. 'Too Fast, Too Furious' for starters. Utter shite, but dressed up to the nines, nonetheless. Don't take a genius to know about Venus (which is rising in the 9th house on the 28th, by the way). Unlucky bus is the No.33.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

Nothing special will happen this month. Nothing you do will be as good as what you've done in the past. the Moon is doing some shit that means you won't improve. Just chill out this month and under-acheive. Don't read any books on the history of mazes.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

This month is pretty boring. The 16th will preceed the 17th, but apart form that everything is as you were. One long night. Depending on how good your nights are, depends on how good this month is.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

Saturn to the left, Neptune to the right, they're both rising so it's alright. On the 24th of this month you'll see what goes where. Lucky curves have a destination.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

You're one in a million, actually...you're one in twelve. Near enough. Watch out for amphibians walking down the street like other civilians (or hopping, crawling, sliding, etc). Jupiter tells us to check out where we are and realize. Binge on Mars Bars this month and get closer to hell.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Mercury is floating around which means you shouldn't talk shit. Everyday is a brand new ride which sounds good, unfortunately for you the queues are a fucking bitch this month. Beware of anyone who has glued the Bible to their lips (eh?). Lucky direction is North or East, you can't go wrong unless you go South or West.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Yeah, yeah. Dust off your feathers and start moving. Avoid any poultry meat with Parkinsons. Don't go into a Kentucky while there's an earthquake.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

This month involves other star signs from another dimension. Mr Lean is rising in the 7th house. Dark blue Astra's are always unlucky. Eat your greens. Everything's bigger than you, but you don't exist anyway. The stars from the other dimension make even less sense than the stars in this dimension. Lucky dimension? This one...hopefully.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

This is the end. You're up against a brick wall, fingers are pointing at you, and there's plenty missing. A shit month is now in progress. Don't jump off any bridges. No fancy finales, that's it.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.