Below is the Albumscope reading for this month. You can either try to guess what album this reading was taken from, or if you can't be arsed to play stupid little games, just click here and spoil the fun.

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  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

The concept of middle aged rockers wearing jeans is appealing this month. If you see one take them to Ma Kelly's Greasy Spoon. Remember, birth control is very important. Long hair can still look good, but never a mullet. You may not mean to hurt anyone, but especially do not hurt anyone on the 15th - 18th this month...something about Karma rising in the 5th house (eh?).

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

The devil makes light work for idle hands. This month will involve a big build up to something which you think will be great but...it just fades away into nothing and then you have to start the next month again. The 12th will be the same as the 6th which is the same as the 13th and the 27th. The 11th is the same as all of the above.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

Think things through before you tell people about stuff. Especially any plans of assassinating people. Don't think about doves too much (or dogs, I can't quite make out which).

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

Don't get on your knees too easily this month. It maybe because you have to kneel in front of such beauty, or it might be because someone's kicked you in the shins. Lucky year was 3 years ago, next one is in 33 years time.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

If you fall over and no-one's looking, did you actually fall over? I don't know, but don't lie on the floor too long thinking about it. You ain't going to know much this month, something to do with Jupiter looking down on you.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

Superstitions are hopelessly mistaken. I mean, this albumscope is going completely haywire even as I write it. Is anything going to be correct? Lucky cats are black and don't forget to hang that horse-shoe the right way up, otherwise all the luck drips out...yeah, right.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

Don't dress as someone's mother this month. If you find a metal baby then remember to feed it Oil at room temperature...formulation milk will definately kill it. Saturn is orbiting at a fast rate which means you must see a heavy metal band, or at least a rock and roll show - No, Garth Brooks doesn't count, he doesn't count as anything.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

You'll never come back to this month again. Once it's gone, it's gone. Fucking do whatever you want, take responsibility next month. The easiest pets to own don't shit, eat, sleep or die.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

You think you may have found love and someone special, but take a look behind that beautiful smile, tight arse, blue eyes, and blow job lips...what is there? Can you only find love in someone that doesn't look good? I friggin hope not. Planets are rising and shit, the 5th is wicked....blah...blah...blah.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Don't worry about who is doing what with whom and when, and if it'll actually happen. Mercury has risen from the dead and is re-releasing Barcelona (I used to love that when it first came out). I wouldn't recommend refusing sex for a second time in one day, but then it depends who's offering and what your stamina levels are like. If you are trying to hide from your soul then just don't believe in religion. If you are trying to find out what is going to happen in the future then the last thing you should believe in are albumscopes.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

All your karma will be undone this month because there's clouds across the Sun and friendships have their cost. Follow a star, not the Sun though, otherwise you'll have to travel well fast to keep up. Have you read this albumscope before? Lucky front doors don't have a doorbell.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

You're going to be stuck for words this month. After reading some Amazon reviews, this month is held in high esteem, I've always skipped it because it's pretty pants but what the fuck do I know? This month could be shit, good, average or something inbetween. Mars is rising in the 6th house of the Minotaur. Bring along string, doesn't matter how long.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.