Below is the Albumscope reading for this month. You can either try to guess what album this reading was taken from, or if you can't be arsed to play stupid little games, just click here and spoil the fun.

Click here for horoscope related links.

Click here for the Albumscope archives.

  Aries
  (March 21st - April 20th)

This month is a rebirth of sorts. You'll feel especially mortal this month, as your rebirth is not a rebirth, but a second chance. Mars has an immeasurable effect on your love life, unless you meet someone called 'Mars'. Something, or somebody, filled with hot air isn't necessarily useless.

  Taurus
  (April 21st - May 21st)

You need rest this month. All your troubles are getting too much and it's affecting your relationship with other people. Fuck 'em. If they've got their heads in the clouds then they'll be in trouble when they reach bumpy ground. Saturn has an atmosphere you can cut with a knife. Lucky bodily fluid is vomit.

  Gemini
  (May 22nd - June 21st)

You can daydream this month. Although, these daydreams should be private until you're closer to realising them otherwise your mates may think you've got a screw loose. The 28th of the month is roughly the same. Lucky towns don't smell.

  Cancer
  (June 22nd - July 22nd)

It's time to make your escape this month. Whatever shit you're in at the moment then a good time to get out is now. It's always the right time to get out, but fuck it, do it now. Don't mumble either! Jesus, I can hardly understand what this second bit is about! Practising the Heimlich manourve would be a good idea aswell.

  Leo
  (July 23rd - August 23rd)

Chin up this month cocker! Trainspotters and planespotters are sad for obvious reasons. Try to find more interesting things to occupy your time with. Do something creative or spontaneous. It only takes a chemical reaction to start something. Unlucky way to die is being crushed like a bug in the ground.

  Virgo
  (August 24th - September 22nd)

If the Police can see your karma this month, then we're all fucked. The Moon seems phased this month. The 20th will bring disorientation. Keep a map and compass handy. Take a trip down the local electrical hardware store. Lucky language is maths.

  Libra
  (September 23rd - October 23rd)

This month may seem unusual. The regular tempo and rythm of life maybe disrupted and strange. It'll give you a breather. The constellation of 'The Big Dipper' is dipping in your direction tonight. Take some exercise down the gym.

  Scorpio
  (October 24th - November 22nd)

The trust that horoscopes are right and will help you through life is wrong. You're going to have to find something more real to rely on this month. The Asteroid Belt influences you greatly this month, as all the other Planets can't be bothered. Lucky direction is forwards.

  Sagittarius
  (November 23rd - December 21st)

Clarity should be emphasised this month. Your message maybe lost or misunderstood. Keep your points clear because what you want to say might be important. Don't scare people by 'being omnipresent' during the Moon's 2nd phase. Lucky housing area is the basement.

  Capricorn
  (December 22nd - January 20th)

Jupiter is rising like Wayne Rooney this month. With every high there's a low. It'll come this month but don't expect Tony Blair to help you out of this one, he's got his mind on other stuff. Between the 27th and 29th is the 28th - look out for it. Lucky stomach problem is the bellyache.

  Aquarius
  (January 21st - February 18th)

Don't stand around on various baking products. It ain't going to change anyone's luck - except for the baker, but for the worst. You should feel hopeful this month, but that goes for every month really. Take a couple of steps back as well.

  Pisces
  (Febraury 19th - March 20th)

Pluto is moving into new areas of space all the time. Everything keeps moving so you have to keep up. Slow down for a minute. The bed you sleep on is moving too, so chill baby! Have an image of a millipede flashed in front of you - one per second. Lucky horoscope sign is Leo, sorry.

Related Links:

Here are some links to other sites that will help sort out your miserable little lives, or, at least they claim to. Obviously Shiola.com does not concur with this bag of horse shit but you're free to spend your money how you wish.

  • Keen - Your Personal Advisor - click here to sign up to free daily and weekly emails. Be more frequently disappointed there than here.
  • Astro Center - you can get compatibility reports, natal charts, emails, consultations, etc, etc, blah, blah, karma, I can see your aura, etc, blah.
  • The Online Psychic - get a bunch of psychics to tell you some stuff - love, sex, career, family, friends, home AND lottery numbers! Surely they'd keep that bit a secret, or at least sell it for a load more money.